Pillow Talk with Diana: “Why Can’t I Find a Girlfriend?”

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Q: Okay, so I’m a guy, and I’m having trouble finding a girlfriend. I’m 20, about 6 foot, 165 lbs, average build, white (but not pale) skin, well groomed, short hair, shower daily. I’ve dated ten women, two serious relationships.  My most serious relationship was two years. I’m not really into sports, but if I’m hanging out with some friends and they’re watching a game, I’ll watch too.  I strongly believe in treating women with respect.

Generally on the first date I bring flowers, walk up to her door to pick her up, take her to her favorite food restaurant, always open the door (even car door) for her, and always pay (I don’t know why girls let guys get away with not paying). I’m more of the romantic nice guy than the hardcore-work-out-football-beer-blah type guy. I’m not into drugs, don’t smoke, and only have a drink occasionally. I hardly ever curse unless I’m mad. I use correct English but don’t correct others for not using it. I don’t have an accent or a lisp.

I’ve been told I’m attractive, hot, cute, average, normal, etc. I think I have a easy going personality, definitely not pushy. I smile a lot and always make eye contact. I love making people laugh, but most of all, helping them.  I have a few close friends, and enjoy small groups rather than large groups. I love to cuddle. I pleasure her before myself, or try, if you know what I mean. I don’t obsess over a relationship and call her all the time, and I don’t get jealous unless the relationship is threatened. I have a clean rep.

I’ve been on a few dates within the last few months, but none of them seemed to develop into anything more than just friends.  That spark never came.  I’ve talked to some girls that I know and asked them to dinner but they don’t seem interested in “that way.”

I’ve tried to think of everything that describes me.  I know it’s hard to figure this out without knowing me, but I do appreciate you trying.  Maybe I’m trying too hard?  Maybe I need to buy a motorcycle and become a bad-ass?  I dunno.  Can you give me any tips to improve my search for love?

A: Dude, chill out. First off, for the record–a few dates over a few months with no spark and a few rejections from girl friends is completely, 100% normal. It’s the natural process of dating and figuring out who you click with and meeting many people with whom you don’t. So just an FYI, your experience is not indicative of there being anything wrong with you–in fact, if you were sparking with every single woman you dated, that would probably concern me more. This is what dating is.

That said, other than potentially being a bit neurotic, there’s nothing really wrong with you, as far as I can tell (and I’ll chalk my “neurotic” assessment up to you wanting to cover all your bases in your letter!). You’ve dated and have held down a long-term relationship, so all signs point to you dating and having a relationship again the the future. Hold off on purchasing a Harley for now, and take a deep breath.

Yes, it’s possible that you’re trying too hard, but I think your real problem is what exactly you’re trying so hard to achieve. You’ve listed all of these lovely qualities about yourself, but what are you looking for in a girl? So far, all I have from you is that you’re having trouble “finding a girlfriend,” and that you’re on the search for love and a serious relationship.

But with who? It doesn’t seem to me that you like anyone in particular right now, and that’s fine–it’s certainly OK to just date around to figure it out what it is that you’re looking for in a relationship and girlfriend. But you seem overly concerned with how you’re coming off and what you bring to the table, rather than what qualities you’re looking for–so in that sense, yes, you’re probably trying a little too hard to please and to be liked.

To up your chances of a romantic connection, why not starting looking for women in places where you might have a higher success rate? I’m assuming you have hobbies of some sort–try joining a group (meetup.com is a good place to start) and enjoy that hobby with a group of strangers. If you don’t have hobbies or interests, get some. If all you’re bringing to the table is being a nice guy you won’t get very far.

Have hobbies already? Try a new one–take a class, join a co-ed sports team, start volunteering for a cause you care about. Instead of going out with the same group of friends, extend your next party invite/bar crawl to your friends’ friends and meet new people that way. Try online dating. Ask friends to set you up in a casual group hangout/date setting. Say yes to invites you normally turn down. And don’t try all of these in one night! Sometimes you just need to shake things up a tiny bit to see big changes.

And in the meantime, stop worrying about finding “a” girlfriend. Enjoy meeting new people, going out, and just dating without all the pressure you’ve been putting on yourself. Have fun!

And girls, this advice works for you, too!

[Image via kcantinmft.com]

How To Date Like a Man
How To Date Like a Man
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