“Guys We Wanna Eff” is generally a speculative column. Each week, we collectively drool over one effable celeb or another, hoping against hope that one day we may be able to live the (effing) dream.
But what would you say if you actually did get to meet the guy in question? Would you collapse in disbelief? Turn on the charm? Flirt his pants off? Make a total fool of yourself?
Well, in the case of this week’s lusty lad–Andy Samberg–I actually did get to meet him. On my birthday, no less! It was freshman year and I had gone out to dinner with some friends downtown. We were about to board the subway back to campus when one of my girls started chatting up two guys standing next to us.
Being the super-suave freshman I was, I thought they were Fordham students I hadn’t met yet. So I walked right up to the cuties and said, “Hey! Wanna come back to my room? It’s my birthday!” As soon as the words left my lips, I realized the guys were none other than Andy Samberg and Akiva Shaffer (2/3 of the comedy trio The Lonely Island, along Jorma Taccone), and they were both looking at me like I had asked them if they wanted to eat liver and onions. Also, they probably thought I was a huge slut.
“Uh, happy birthday, but we’re on our way home from work,” mumbled Andy. He smiled to show his kind (and oh so sexy) benevolence on mere mortals like myself.
“Oh, uhhh, I thought you might have been someone who went to my school. I really love your work on SNL,” I stammered. Luckily, a subway arrived at that moment and I dashed away, blushing madly from embarrassment and attraction.
So, for this week’s column, I would like to formally apologize to Andy, and explain to him what I would have said had I not been a clueless freshman:
Andy, you had me at “Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia.” I already bought your new CD, “Incredibad,” and I know all the words to “I’m on a Boat.” You have single-handedly saved SNL from the depths of un-funny with your hilarious and often-times erotic digital shorts – and what could be more effable than that? And how could I possibly resist you when you’re constantly jizzing in your pants, and offering me your dick in a box for Christmas?
It sounds like you’re in need of a serious eff, and there’s nothing I like more than a randy comedian. How about we hit up Magnolia’s, mack on some cupcakes, and head back to your pad to eff?
Now that’s ka-blamo!