Pillow Talk with Diana: Are We More Than Friends?

Q: So I’ve known this guy for years and years and we’ve been friends for forever and we have “talked” before but nothing has ever really worked out. Well then months ago we start heating up again…finally hook up for the first time and things are going great. Then he moves to another city. Well now I see him every single weekend and we are great but he says he doesn’t want a relationship. I say fine no big deal I don’t want one either, but then he says he doesn’t want to mess around or kiss or anything because it makes him too attached and he doesn’t want to be a jerk and like someone more, mess around with them, etc if he doesn’t want to date them right now.

Well you would think that would be my answer right there but the plot thickens (lol). The past few weekends things have been getting more and more serious – I’ve met all of his friends in his new city, we have been hooking up, sleeping in the same bed, and pretty much acting like a couple without the title (which I’m actually fine with because if he’s not ready for the title I trust him and am not going to push him into it!). But he then proceeds to tell me one day when we’re having a “moment” that this was exactly what he didn’t want and now I feel bad for putting pressure on him.

So my question is….how do I proceed if he obviously really cares about me and I really care about him? Do I quit visiting? It’s definitely not going to work with me liking him and us being just friends and nothing else at this point, but then where does that leave the friendship?

 A: I think you’ve answered your question! You ask where the situation leaves your  friendship in the same breath that you admit being “just friends” with him won’t work as long as you like him. And you do like him, even if you’re telling yourself you want to be friends with him.

You’ve known each other and have been friends for years, but have you truly been friends this whole time? It seems to me that the sustainment of the “friendship” was largely due to your crush on him and this more-than-friends, less-than-relationship limbo you two were in.

Now, the situation is this: you visit him in his new city, and while you’re there, you feel like he acts like your boyfriend. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, but still hooks up with you when you visit him. So why would he do that? Simple: why not? He does it because he can. Because you make it really easy for him by visiting him every weekend and obviously being into the hooking up. And then you leave and he continues on being a single guy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he’s probably not calling you every day and acting like you’re a couple when you’re not physically there with him. This is not to say he’s an evil, good-for-nothing jerk–from his perspective, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to date you, and you seem fine with it and still hook up with him. Everyone wins, right? Well, except for you.

So how to proceed? Stop wasting your weekends going over there and ease up on texting and calling him for a few months, and see what happens. Is he going to ask you to come visit him or visit you himself, or will he not mention it all? That can tell you a lot about his feelings for you, but you won’t get any insight if you make it so damn easy for him to continue doing what you’ve been doing, which at this point, is a friends-with-benefits situation. Which is fine, if that’s what you wanted, which you don’t.

You don’t have to give up on being friends with him forever–just humor me and try it for a few months. Stop treating him like a long-distance boyfriend. He’s not. There will be time when your romantic feelings for him will fade and you can be platonic friends with him, but that time isn’t now, and that time will never come if you get stuck in this cycle of pining for him all week, floating along in your love bubble over the weekend, and pretend that it’s enough for you. It isn’t and that’s OK. But if you want to get to the point where you’re cool with being just friends with him, you need some distance first to be able to take off the rose-colored glasses you see your relationship through.

I Kissed a Girl
I Kissed a Girl
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