Passover. A week of torture for the hungover soul. All we want is carbs and all we’ve got is cardboard. Saweet.
All my Jewish peeps out there know that Passover is a time where you have to hold your head up high and say, “Sure, my non-Jewish friends get to eat Peeps and Reese’s peanut butter cup eggs (where the PB to chocolate ratio is so. much. better.), but, hey, I get all those fake desserts that taste like crap yet still make me fat AND constipated. Mazel Tov to ME!” So glad we wandered in the desert for this.
Passover is a time where we must get creative in the kitchen. Top Chef has nothing on me after 8 days of no bread. So, being that I’ve been a Passover Jew since I left the womb, I will share with you my 5 best tips for surviving the Big P.
1) Don’t think of it as an “OMG WTF am I supposed to do without bread?!” sitch. Instead, think of it as a week long cleanse and use it as a time to detox; stick to salads, fruits, proteins, almonds, sweet potatoes and dark chocolate (K for P of course). All of those foods will keep you fuller longer and after a day of really craving the carbs you will feel a whole lot better anyways. Besides, its not like matzoh satisfies that carb craving, anyway.
2) Two Words: Matzoh. Pizza. It never gets old. It always tastes good. Load that bad tasting piece of matzo with sauce, cheese and a ton of veggies (the more fiber with that matzo the better – trust me) and you will forget how much you hated this holiday in the first place.
3) It’s the one time of year you can get kosher marshmallows and I looove to stock up. My favorite Passover sweet treat from childhood: take 4 large marshmallows, stick them in the microwave till they start to get really big, then pull them out of the microwave while still hot and put some chocolate chips on top so they melt right away. Amazingness. Great on top of ice cream too!
4) Manischewitz wine. Freshman year we got a FABULOUS game of Kosher for Passover wine pong going. Yes, the hangover was a biznatch and my teeth felt like they were rotting from all that sweet wine, but it was f-u-n. Just be advised: red wine is a little more noticeable on shirts than beer when that ping pong ball makes the wine splatter everywhere, so I’d avoid wearing white.
5) Plan ahead. Nothing is worse than coming home late night and watching your non-jewish friends delve into their Dominos and Easter baskets and you’ve got those icky jelly candies and chocolate covered jelly rings. Thank you for that, Moses. Stock your fridge up with some Temp-Tee (only the BEST creamcheese around) some cheese and pizza sauce, some Passover chocolate, marshmallows and the like. Throw some (all) on a piece of matzo, stick it in the microwave and you’ve got yourself a mish-mash on matzoh!