The Hills: “I Told Her to Put on Pants”

Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me.

Kelly took one look at Steph, then chewed her up with those fangs and spit her out.  She doesn’t like Steph, but I think that’s why she hired her. That bitch loves to cut people up, and I can’t wait to see what she does to poor Ms. Pratt.  Although, it can’t be worse than dealing with Spence, right?

Speaking of Spencer, the other major dramz in the episode was with Speidi. Heidi returns to LA from visiting Mama Pratt and immediately starts fighting with the Bearded Spencer. I have to ask: does anyone else notice that when Heidi leaves town Spencer grows a beard? Do you think maybe shaving his face is a couples activity? Ew.

So, Heidi’s back and the couple starts fighting and Spencer acts like a baby. He leaves and decides to “hit the clubs” with his mustached, 40-year-old-looking friend…and the bartender. Heidi and Steph decide to do a little recon work and go to every bar in the city that might be cool that night. Weird! They found him on the first try!

“Oh my gosh, you’re right. He’s here.” Best acting ever, Heidi. So, there is confrontation and name calling (“slut,” “crazy,” “home-wrecker”), but much to my dismay, there is no platinum-weave-pulling.

Heidi spends the night on Steph’s couch and wakes up really distraught about the whole thing….with a lot of perfect makeup on. Now, I’ve slept in my makeup post bar hundreds of times, so I know what that’s like, but I wake up with mascara smeared down my cheek and the bar stamp from my hand rubbed off on my chin. Her hair does look a little like a hot mess, though, so there’s that.

Steph tells Heidi to try therapy. Heidi, who told Spencer never to call her again, meets him for some grub and tells him again never to call her again before she teeters off into the distance with her after-sex hair and way-too-tall heels.

And curtain!
Whew! What an episode! I had lost faith in MTV not-so-reality shows after The City premiered, but, DAYUM, The Hills is so good. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, MTV. Never again.

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