Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: May Edition

This month, Cosmo released its annual “Sexy” issue. In it, they provide various, previously printed tips for seducing your man, or just feeling hot in general (apparently, paying my bills in the nude will make it “less painful.” Uh, I probably would have named something else as number 32 on the list of 50 Things to Do Naked, but that’s just me).

Additionally, Cosmo provides alternate ways to phrase creepy questions about a date’s credit card debt (pg 120), a single girl’s guide to using a camera’s self timer (apparently single girls don’t have friends to take their profile pics for them) and the hottest new accessory fashion house: Oriental Trading. Uh, the economy’s bad but do we have to resort to gummy bracelets?!

On the bright side, Cosmo’s Sexy issue did not disappoint in some arenas (he-llo naughty card game on page 136!): Katie Lee Joel’s recipe for a Mediterranean picnic made me question my aversion to olives, the Cosmo staff confessions had me LOL-ing in a very quiet section of the library, and the “Lose 5lbs in 7 Days” tips may have saved my life in preparation for pre-finals pool parties. And yet, Cosmo just wouldn’t be Cosmo without their well-intended but somewhat whack advice.

This month? The 6 sex lessons us lady folk can learn from the boys…

Lesson 1: You’re Always Doable

Cosmo Says: If you feel too gross to have sex, you will subconsciously tell your man to leave you alone. He then will stop asking you for sex. Also, “once you clothes come off, this is the extent of what a guy is thinking: ‘Boobs!’”

Kari Says: Obvi once breasts are within their field of vision, any man is reduced to monosyllables. All the man generalizing aside though, I can’t imagine a scenario where my boyfriend would “pick up” on “subliminal cues” that I don’t want to have sex at the moment, let alone respect said cues. As long as there’s that possibility, he’s probably going to take his chances. I understand that the point of this article is to get the ladies to enjoy sex just as much as guys do (I was unaware that I wasn’t…), but Dr. Patricia Taylor’s suggestion that I get my man hard to “realize there’s no point in worrying about all that other stuff” seems a little too convenient. There’s a reason why I’m not in the mood–or trust me, I’d be doin’ it.

Lesson 2: Little Things are Big Turn Ons

Cosmo Says: Men are turned on by absolutely anything and everything, so they constantly think about sex. By the time they get home, they’re like 12 hours deep into foreplay. Women? Not so much—we only think about sex during sexy time.

Kari Says: FALSE. Perhaps girls do not get turned on by “a millimeter of skin between your shirt and jeans,” but we’re not completely daydream devoid. What better way to kill time in a lecture without one’s laptop than replaying an AWESOME hook-up in your head? Mmm, memories…

Lesson 3: Your Crotch is Awesome

Cosmo Says: Boys know, love and protect their penises, and girls focus far too much on the clitoris. “And don’t forget to go hunting for your G-Spot,”…again.

Kari Says: Thank goodness you provided another set of detailed instructions for finding my G-Spot Cosmo; I seem to have misplaced my other 7 issues with the same directions. Other than that though, hells yea to female exploration and what not. If men can nurture and name their junk then women are entitled to the “same kind of self-love.” Props for incorporating the phrase “self-love,” and BTW, we already knew our crotches were awesome, thankyouverymuch.

Lesson 4: Practice Makes Perfect

Cosmo Says: Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more to figure out what works best for you.

Kari Says: Orgasms? Yes please. Orgasms that will increase the likelihood of even more orgasms? Keep em comin’ ( no pun intended). The suggestions of methods that Cosmo provides are even helpful…until the final one. I’m sorry Cosmo, but not even in the name of a better sex drive do I see the necessity of “tossing a towel over the padded arm of [my] couch, straddling it, and rocking back and forth, using the weight of my body to adjust the amount of pressure on [my] clitoris.” Something tells me my roommates wouldn’t appreciate this experimentation either.

Lesson 5: Sex is Better at Full Mast

Cosmo Says: The clitoris is the female equivalent of the penis. Foreplay is important to make sure it’s equally “engorged.”

Kari Says: Foreplay is absolutely important. I too see the importance of becoming fully turned on before sex (or else it’s just not fair). Unfortunately, I don’t think that my boyfriend would understand if I insisted that he make sure I was fully erect before we started knocking boots…

Lesson 6: It’s All About Focus

Cosmo Says: Women kick ass at multitasking, unfortunately, this is a bad thing in the bedroom. Men have made an art form of tuning out all that isn’t vitally important to the interest at hand, this is a very very good thing in the bedroom.

Kari Says: Agreed. Cosmo, you are absolutely right; I sometimes catch myself thinking ahead to my next move (naturally one of your patented positions from the Cosmo Sutra—so you’re partially to blame), stressing about the way my stomach looks and, yes, even wanting to open the window to cool things down. This just might be the perfect opportunity to take a page from the guys’ book and practice focusing only on the sensory experience of sex.

Overall, I think that Cosmo does an excellent job of highlighting some of the sexual benefits men reap—a few of our *ahem* talents just may have been overlooked. So yes, Cosmo, in the name of “sexual superiority” I think this advice is pretty damn good…but I’m still not gonna hump my couch.

Celebrity Chic on the Cheap: Cameron Diaz is All Torn Up
Celebrity Chic on the Cheap: Cameron Diaz is All Torn Up
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