Pay Women What We’re Worth, Dammit!

pay.qxdTomorrow is Equal Pay Day, a public awareness event to draw attention to the gender pay gap. Today, women make about 80 cents per every dollar a man makes.

It’s ridiculous – if we do the same work, we should get paid the same. Am I right!? [Crowd cheers.]

But I’m here to say that we not only deserve equal pay, but should actually be making more money than men. Here are 5 very real reasons why:

1. Women are biologically superior to men. We have a longer life expectancy, more grey matter in our brains (it’s useful stuff, trust me) and can have multiple orgasms. We aren’t as susceptible to many inherited diseases (like hemophilia and colorblindness) because we have two X chromosomes rather than just one.

2. We work twice as much. Most women and men work eight-hour days. But when women get home, they have to cook, clean, and take care of the kids. This extra work is known by feminists as the “second shift” and we deserve to be compensated for it.

3. Women are more qualified than man. Women get better grades and take more advanced placement classes in high school. Nearly sixty-percent of undergraduate college students are women, and women earn more bachelor and graduate degrees then men.

4. We should be compensated for all the years we were screwed. Women have made significantly less than men since we joined the work force. I’m not going to do the math but that adds up to a LOT of money, and we deserve to be paid more now to make up for it.

5. Women shop more than men. Women buy things for themselves, their lover, and their friends. Women do the majority of the grocery and household goods shopping. We decorate out homes, plan the family parties, and (increasingly) pick out the family car. Since we spend the most money, we should be making the most money.

It’s time women made what they were worth, and that’s a hell of a lot more than 80 cents to every male dollar. [Crowd goes wild.]

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