5 Things I Learned from Carrie Prejean

We all want Miss California to go away. Like Mark from Road Rules season 1 (who is, like, 40 and is still doing those Real World/Road Rules Challenges), she just won’t disappear. Not that it’s entirely her fault; we media peeps love writing about a scandal, and this girl is drowning in it.

First she comes out against gay marriage. Fine. She can have her opinions – we’re totally in support of that. But then we find out her boobs were purchased for her by the Miss California people. And then she wanted to milk her D-List fame a little more by starting a movement against gay marriage nationally. Oh, and now there are nudey photos circulating the web.

I normally tend to spend my time bashing people in the limelight because it is the only thing that makes me feel good without going directly to my ass (like my BFF, the McFlurry), but I’m already eating a McFlurry today, so I’m feelin groovy. And optimistic. And charitable.

So I am going to go out on a limb here and try to find some good in this Miss California sh*tshow. Namely, the lessons we can take away from it. Because she may not be the brightest bulb (“I love to live in a country where you can choose normal marriage or opposite marriage…”), but her dumb mistakes are worth learning from.

1. Don’t do pageants: They won’t catapult you to the fame you’d like them to (because 3 people watch them), and most Americans really don’t care or respect the women who take part in them. You are better off competing on Rock of Love (just look at Daisy!) than to spend thousands of dollars on hair, makeup, dresses (and boobs) for a pageant.

2. Stay Out of the Spotlight: I have longed to be famous since I made the crowd LOL during the candle lighting at my Bat Mitzvah. Seeing how the media has treated Ms. Prejean, though, I am beginning to have second thoughts. There are a lot of skeletons in my closet (and on my Google thread) that would be quickly exposed by the hundreds of enemies I have made in my 20-ish years on this planet. And don’t even get me started on the embarrassing photos. Let’s just say that life is a whole lot simpler when no one knows or cares enough about you to get the world to hate you.

3. Giant Fake Diamond Encrused Earrings Are Not Cute: Really, it’s just too much. Unless you are Flava Flav.

4. Stop Taking Naked Photos, PEOPLE: I would understand if Ms. California had taken some sexy shots in her early years to send to some thick-necked, tattooed boyfriend (because that is the kind of guy I imagine she’d like), but this princess took these knowing she’d be competing to represent her state in front of the entire country. Ok, so the 3 people who actually care. Anyways, the photo (and soon to be multiple photos) circulating the web is just further proof that no cameras should be present when nips, booty and other lady parts are exposed. That sh*t will get passed around, people (especially if you decide not to learn lessons #1 and #2), and everyone will finally know if your carpet matches your drapes.

5.  Don’t Piss off the Gay People: Those fabulous fashionistas can make or break you. You piss them off and you. are. dunzo.

I raise my empty McFlurry cup to you, Miss California, for teaching me what many other hot mess celebrities before you never could!

Sexy Time: Online Lovin’
Sexy Time: Online Lovin’
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