Spring is nice for some girls, but me? I am all about summer! When springtime days start lasting allllll the way to 7pm, and nights don’t dip below a balmy 55 degrees, I start dreaming of summer fashion. Summer dresses, strappy sandals, bright colors, bold patterns, breezy fabrics; I just cannot get enough!
But even with all the beautiful summer fashion options out there, I worry. What is it about the imminent arrival of summer that causes normally well-dressed people to make some, shall we say, questionable sartorial choices? Why do they think it’s okay to be semi-nude in public or dress like children?
Sure, bad fashion exists year-round, but summer clothing lives so much closer to naked that its faux pas are particularly troublesome.
Below, a round-up of my all time worst offenders! Remember, they’re called ‘don’ts’ for a reason!
1. Uggs. I know I’m going to get some slack for this one, but I just do not care. Yes, I think Uggs are ugly as sin and make your feet look like blobby puddles of dough, but I have begrudgingly accepted them as a form of warm and practical fall/winter footwear. That being said, if it’s warm enough for shorts, it’s also warm enough for sandals! If it’s dress season, your Ugglies should not be seeing the light of day. Hide those things under pants.
2. Call ‘em short shorts, call ‘em hot pants, call ‘em Daisy Dukes: but ladies (and please, for the love of god, men) put ‘em away! There are some seriously cute shorts out there these days, but if I can see the curvature of your ass cheeks before that fabric hits bottom, they are TOO SHORT.
3. Jelly shoes: What, are you 5 years old? No. And if you are, you shouldn’t be reading this website. You are too young, little lady!
4. Tunics as dresses: Fine in theory, but for my general problem with these, see the entry for short shorts and add in the problems of wind, subway grates, and public staircases, to name a few. And everyone knows it’s a shirt.
5. Platform flip-flops: These little gems were huuuuge (literally) around my high school, and I, as a very short girl, never understood them. It’s as though every girl under 5’4” strapped cinder blocks of foam to her feet in an attempt to look taller and svelter, but you don’t look taller and svelter! You look like a short person standing on foam cinder blocks. And now you look like a short person standing on foam cinder blocks that went out of fashion 6 years a go. Fail.
6. Bandeau tops: They are not tops – they are bathing suits and bras.
7. Oh Mandals, why are you so difficult to master? Seriously, if anyone has found a pair of good looking sandals for men that aren’t just flip-flops, I would love to see them. Because unless you are a surfer or soccer player, there is just very little that makes sense on you and your hairy feet. Sorry, guys.
8. Mesh in any form.
9. White or sheer clothing with underwear that isn’t nude. When you are being beautifully backlit by the sun, I do not want to see your underwear outlines. Remember: you can see white under white! If you are AT ALL questioning whether something is a wee bit see thru, go nude. By which I mean nude underoos – not commando. Come on, people!
10. (This last one is pretty rare, but when I see it I am so completely baffled that I have to mention it:) Heels with bathing suits. I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen this in Vegas and near a pool somewhere in Long Island, but unless you are currently filming a music video or in a beauty pageant, put on some flip-flops. Just not platform ones.