Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: June Edition

This month, Cosmo was especially recession conscious (there were, like, 6 whole articles!), featured a slightly disappointing interview with Leighton Meester (she’s just not as bitchy as Blair Waldorf) and their first ever scratch-n-sniff! But, by far the most…interesting article I read was “The Sex Detective is in!”

Now, the woman-in-trench-coat-peeping-through-blinds picture that accompanied the headline immediately got me excited for the juicy confessions of some private investigator. Boy was I wrong. Instead, Dr. Harry Fisch, author of Size Matters, decoded what size, shape, texture and taste (!!) mean when it comes to a guy’s libido. So, read on to find out what it means if…

…He’s Trim Around the Middle.

Cosmo Says: If the guy’s got a spare tire, all that extra fat will break down testosterone much faster than lean muscle, and “testosterone is the gas that drives the car. If it’s low…he’ll be tired, he’s not going to be able to exercise very much, he’s less likely to be in the mood, and his fertility will be lower.”

Kari Says: Interesting. I didn’t know a little extra padding could be so detrimental to a guy’s sex life. I mean, a huge potbelly is definitely going to lower a guy’s chances of getting laid, but I had no clue it would affect his performance/ potency when he eventually does bed someone. Testosterone must be pretty damn important.

…He’s Got Guns.

Cosmo Says: Yes, Kari, testosterone is pretty damn important. If you want to have great sex, find a guy who’s “trim and jacked” because all those muscles mean more testosterone. Also, tall, thin guys with bodies like noodles don’t produce as much, and some guys won’t produce a lot no matter how much they workout, those hopeless wimps.

Kari Says: Ugh, it’s nice to look at all those fake baked guidos glistening while they spot each other at the gym, but it’s another thing entirely to want to sleep with them. Even if they are producing mucho testosterone (and I’m not sure how black market steroids affect that hormone post-cycle), I think I might rather sleep with noodle boy and have mediocre sex than get my bump and grind on while jamming to house music. Just sayin’.

…He Parties Smart.

Cosmo Says: “Smoking and heavy drinking have the same effect on a guy’s mojo as a Rosie O’Donnell striptease.”

Kari Says: Poor Rosie, but ugh, vivid mental image. Anyways, Dr. Fisch explains that cigarettes constrict bloodflow to the penis, making erection a sometimes issue. But if a guy reeks of cigarette smoke, has yellow smokers’ teeth or has a red pleather Marlboro jacket (that he acquired by saving all those cigarette box tops), he’s gonna have issues wooing the ladies long before his junk doesn’t work. And the alcohol thing? Obviously, if a guy’s so toasted that I fear for the leather seats in my car, all he’s getting before bed is some ibuprofen and a bucket by the bed. But what if he’s still coherent and only slightly slurring? Well, as a victim of whiskey-dick syndrome, I can attest to the disappointment that comes along with alcohol-induced impotence. I agree with Dr. Fisch here.

…His Testicles are in Top Shape.

Cosmo Says: “Check out the size of his testicles, each should be the size of a walnut.” Also, check out the temperature, because if they’re running too hot, it might be because of a vein cluster called a varicocele. Find this by cupping his balls and running your thumb all over.

Kari Says: Cosmo, I’m beginning to be overwhelmed with all the testicular action you provide every month. You’ve taught me how to use them to enhance foreplay, control orgasm, and now determine future fertility risks. The uses for male reproductive organs will never end! The act of sneaking around his sack to find potential baby-making problems does seem kind of creepy, though; could you imagine if the guy noticed your facial expression was a little to concentrated? “Uh, what are you doing?” “Oh, nothing. Just exploring your reproductive value while pretending to pleasure you.” Awk.

…He Has Stellar Semen.

Cosmo Says: “You can glean a lot from the volume, clarity and taste of a man’s semen.”

Kari Says: No. Effing. Way. Cosmo, you have never shied from going into all the gritty details of all things sex, but there’s no way you would devote a column of an article to semen consistency, right? Wrong. Apparently, I’m supposed to measure out about half a teaspoon of jizz to determine if a) something is wrong or b) he masturbates a lot (I’m gonna go with b.) After that, I should check out how cloudy or clear it is—his ejaculate, not the weather—to see if he’ll have difficulty fathering my children. Finally, I should give it a good swish around my mouth to see if it’s salty (masturbates a lot) or sweet (hasn’t come for a while.) Pass. On all of the above.

…He Takes Just Long Enough

Cosmo Says: If he comes to fast, that sucks. If he takes too long, he could be masturbating too much, or he’s on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds.

Kari Says: Well, I’m definitely not gonna argue with you on this one Cosmo and Dr. Fisch. But in the second scenario, if he is taking a little too long (and there is such a thing, gentlemen!), I’d probably chalk it up to the masturbating thing before demanding a list of his prescriptions.

So what do you think? Good tips for determining a guy’s sexual abilities and reproductive health? Would you ever use any of this advice?

Down With Adam Lambert!
Down With Adam Lambert!
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