After rolling out of bed this morning I immediately flipped open my Mac Book and signed online. (What? How else are you supposed to begin the day?) And that was when I got the worst news of my life: Google wasn’t working.
I started packing up all my non-perishable items (read: 2 cans of tuna, a bottle of Boones and a bottle of water) to move into my neighbor’s Y2K bunker. Surely the world was coming to an end. I mean, if Google wasn’t working, how would anything else? I was shocked, I was upset, and I was really scared.
I began to imagine my life without Google. A sad, information-less life.
1. I would have no idea how to get anywhere: Before I got Google maps on my iPhone, I got lost in Detroit more times than I can count. And I live in Ann Arbor. How I ended up in Detroit, I’ll never know. How I got out alive is also a mystery. Google maps is. my. life. Without it, I probably really would die.
2. I would have had to blindy talk to someone without knowing anything about them: Whenever I meet someone, the first thing I do is Google them. I don’t even know how to communicate with people without knowing their online history first. How am I supposed to carry on a meaningful conversation with someone if I don’t know where they are from, that they were the captain of the math team in high school and that they were once interviewed for the local news story on the great Quiznos vs. Subway debate.
3. I’d have to leave my house and actually go to the library to write papers: And I don’t even know where the campus library is.
4. I‘d have to figure out another way to find out what people are saying about me: What? You don’t Google yourself? How else am I going to know what people are saying about me if I can’t look myself up online? Eavesdropping is so 20th century.
5. I’d never know just what a whale erection looked like: Not sure why we wanted to know, but we did. If Google was gone, I’d never know.
Thank God everything is back up and running. I’m not sure how long I could have lasted with only one bottle of Boones. I may now return my regularly scheduled self-Googling.