Celebretard Showdown: Perez Hilton vs. Ryan Seacrest

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Heels or flats?”
“Pizza or salad?”
“Prada backpack or Skechers?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore is more fame whorey, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Perez Hilton and Ryan Seacrest. Which one would we like to ship off to a small island in the South Pacific first? Do we really have to choose?!

Day Job

Perez Hilton is the (self proclaimed) Queen of All Media. As if the self proclaimed part wasn’t infuriating enough, it boggles my mind as to how Perez has actually made a career out of this fictional job title. Apparently to be the Queen of All Media, all you need is some (creatively acquired) paparazzi pic, Microsoft Paint and the ability to straddle the boarder of what is deemed the acceptable use of the English language. For the last time, spelling sexy as “secksi” does not make you clever or trendy, it makes you illiterate.

Ryan Seacrest may be the actual Queen of All media. That guy is EVERYWHERE. He graces American Idol on a weekly basis, runs a syndicated radio talk show, became an executive producer, hosted Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, the 2007 Emmy Awards and hosts for E! on a regular basis. He also made a cameo in Knocked Up, and even participated in Fear Factor. Talk about over exposure – when does this this guy have time to sleep?

Point: Perez Hilton. People actually like and trust what Ryan has to say. There is nothing to like or trust about a picture of a penis on someone’s face. Thanks for nothing, Perez.


Perez Hilton has made worst dressed lists numerous times. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own style, but when you pretend to hold some sort of authority on how clothes should be worn, you better damn well know what looks good. Maybe Perez should take a break from attacking celeb outfits and concentrate on his own wardrobe, because last time I checked, shower caps were a big fashion NO. And if that picture isn’t insulting enough, Perez later launched his own fashion line, which of course, failed.

Ryan Seacrest is the poster child for metrosexuality. Let’s see – meticulously styled, perfectly highlighted hair? Check. Teeth so white they glow? Check. Fashionably distressed, dry cleaned jeans? Check. Spray on tan? Double check. The facts don’t lie; Ryan has metrosexual written all over his freshly botoxed forehead.

Point: Perez Hilton. Seriously, leave the shower cap in the shower.

Celeb Feuds

Perez Hilton makes fun of celebrities. In that middle school sorta way. If you have been in any tabloid EVER, Perez has written something mean about you. The man knows no boundaries. Proof? He even calls babies fat. BABIES. It’s no secret that Perez’s latest feud is with Miss California, so we should be expecting him to milk that situation for all its worth for another few weeks while his favorite punching bags wait on the back burner. These celebrities are often affectionately nicknamed something misogynistic and or degrading such as Maniston, Lezlo, and Zaquisha.

Ryan Seacrest is no stranger to celebrity feuds himself. Where to begin… I suppose we should start with the American Idol crew. We’ve all sat through the uncomfortable quips between Ryan and Simon Cowell, but Ryan has also gone on record talking about an “icy” relationship with Paula Abdul as well. Then there’s the feud between Ryan and Charlie Sheen, which erupted after Ryan chose business over friendship and produced Denise Richard’s reality show. And of course, who could forget the time Ryan ripped open Kathy Griffin’s shirt at the American Music Awards?

Point: Ryan Seacrest. I’m going to have to go with quality over quantity here. Perez may have lots of little tiffs, but Ryan has some big beef.

Media Personality

Perez Hilton may be called many things, but he has never been called nice. He has made a career out of being a mean, snarky, gossiping, fame-whore. His website is devoted to very serious newsworthy topics, such as celebrities who forgot to wear panties and hot dudes without their shirts on.

Ryan Seacrest also talks about very serious news worthy issues. He asks the hard hitting questions such as, “What’s the deal with Audrina on The Hills?” Unlike Perez, though, Ryan doesn’t mock the celebs; instead he takes himself and his job very, very seriously.

Point: Ryan Seacrest.  It’s great that Ryan takes his job so seriously, but is an exclusive interview with Lauren Conrad really that important?

Hollywood Hookups

Perez Hilton hasn’t been in the relationship spotlight very often, but when it happens, it happens BIG. Perez is infamous for outting closeted celebrities and, in my opinion, he does so in attempt to date them. Case and point? John Mayer. Perez swore to the high heavens that he and John Mayer shared a passionate kiss. Some people (myself included) thought this may have been yet another desperate publicity stunt, that is, until John Mayer confirmed it.

Ryan Seacrest has been on homosexuality watch for quite some time now. This has not stopped him from hooking up with some  hot Hollywood ladies, including Teri Hatcher and Sheryl Crow.

Point: Perez Hilton. No one’s going to keep kissing you if go shouting it from the gossip sites. Someone should draw a penis on your face, Perez.

Celebretard Prize: Perez Hilton

The CC Weekly Weigh In: Not Ready for Reality TV
The CC Weekly Weigh In: Not Ready for Reality TV
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