Good Books That Make You Look Bad

A trip to the campus bookstore is an exercise in self-assurance. When you spot an intriguing book that you cannot wait to read cover to cover, you may or may not have the cajones to bring it up to the counter. Why, you ask? Hmm, maybe because its entitled The Going Down Guide: Tongue Tips and Oral Techniques for Men and Women!

Sure, it may be full of exclusive tips that you are dying to learn and try out on your man, but can you really muster the moxie to pay for it along with a bottle of water and box of pens?

“What if the cashier thinks I have an oral-fixation that I need to feed in between classes by learning how to properly fellate a fellow?” The embarrassment would be akin to buying the economy-size box of tampons at the grocery store while still in your PMS PJs.

But, now I wonder: what other hidden treasures can I find in the bookstore that I’m too scared to plunk down the cash for in public?

Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both
What it’s about: So, do you think that by hooking up you’re being sexually empowered and going after what you want for a change? Not so, says Laura Sessions Stepp. She “follows three groups of young women over the course of an academic year to discover what hooking up is all about. She attends class with them, parties with them, and listens to them talk about their sexual encounters – coming away with some enlightening and disturbing insights into sexuality.”

What it tells the cashier: I am sorta slutty and I want to know the repercussions.

Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose and That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between
What They’re About:
This is a two-fer because either of these books would make me feel like a chihuahua carrying, air-headed attention whore… with really cute shoes. However, Paris Hilton’s Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose lures me in with it’s sparkly cover, clever title pun and full-page, colored pictures. Unfortunately, much like the author herself, this book is really pretty on the outside, but lacks any substance on the inside. A similar book, That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between, is Mrs. David Beckham’s attempt at literature. It has tips on how to wear your LBD, find awesome bargains and gives you space to make notes about your favorite fashion tricks. It’s a pretty hefty book for the price and I’d wager the spine is thicker than Vickie’s waist.

What it tells the cashier: I’m a moron with a really great closet.

Die Happy: 499 Thing’s Every Guy’s Gotta Do While He Still Can
What it’s about:
A what-to-do guide written for men, by men, that gives great insight into what these crazy creatures really want in life. While my Bucket List contains dreams of visting Paris, getting a Masters degree and celebrating New Years in Times Square, this book reveals that guys’ dreams top out at swimming with sharks, taking a job as a cab driver and playing drunk golf. A funny read and peek inside the male mind, this book makes me feel a little like a dirty voyeur…and I kinda like it.

What it tells the cashier: I’m a dirty voyeur… and also slighty weird for wanting to delve this deeply into the male mind.

Filthy Shakespeare: Shakespeare’s Most Outrageous Sexual Puns
What it’s about: Desperate to develop an interest in Shakespeare so you aren’t bored to death during that section in Lit?  This is a book for the easily distracted student whose dirty mind reads too deep into a silly coincidence. Who knew that Shakespeare wanted the word “all” to be pronounced like “hole” and the word “wit” was meant to represent the vajay. Naughty, Willy!

What it tells the cashier: I think the word Willy is funny. Tee hee.

I Lick My Cheese
What it’s about: If you live with filthy, annoying roommates, then this book is right up your alley! It may just be a picture book, but its compilation of photos of notes left by roomies that will have you laughing in the aisles. Sure, it’s not a book of merit where you’re going to learn anything useful or look like a studious co-ed, but who doesn’t love reading notes about poop in an unflushed toilet?

What it tells the cashier: My mom gave me money to buy books and I’m buying a picture book. About poop.

So maybe these books will make you blush when you decide to have the cashier ring them up, but they may also provide hours of entertainment. If your brain is tired of slogging through chapters on the Great Depression, maybe its time for a little hilarity.

And you can always order them online, or just try to do what I do: grab one of these books, pull your hoodie down over your eyes, throw cash at the counter and run away screaming.

Hey, don’t judge me!

Great Ideas for Parting With Your Crap
Great Ideas for Parting With Your Crap
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