MTV’s College Life: A Very Bad Idea

My future is totally effed!

College Life. A show not worth watching. This is fact. I could list off a million better things to do with those 30 minutes. Like listing off a million better things to do with those 30 minutes. Or listing all the reasons why I’m so glad I did not have a camera following me around in college.

Since it takes place at my Alma Mater – University of Wisconsin – I always envision the kind of crazy fun I would have brought to the show if it was around while I was in college. I would have ROCKED the over-priced Juicy Couture socks off that show. (Really, Juicy Couture SOCKS?)

But let’s face it:  had I broadcast those best four years on national television, I would have had a lot of explaining to do to my Grandma. And my dentist. And my mailman. And I probably wouldn’t have a job. And then there is always that chance that an annoying nickname would be made up for me by Perez or some other media blogger. Or that MTV would force me to re-create my fights with those long awkward stares and silences that just make everyone uncomfortable.

So instead of watching College Life (or working out, cooking, doing my laundry, or catching up on my reading), I chose to spend my time making a list of the reasons why I am SO happy that I never had the chance to even consider going on it.

* Every year in Madison, the first Saturday of May is known as Mifflin Street Block Party. This goes way back to the days of yore.  To the days when kegs first began and someone thought it was a good idea to fill an entire street with kegs. Police are there by the hundreds – not to arrest you, but to cheer you on. Except after I hit up all the houses on the block, I dropped my phone. In a Sewer. And the police were more interested in the keg stands down the street than helping me get my phone.

So with a slew of drunkies cheering my name like I was JT about to take the stage at Madison Square Garden, we lifted that sewer cover.  I stretched my arm out like Stretch Armstrong (a miracle almost rivaling when Moses split the sea) and I got my phone back. Which really was a miracle because I lost my camera the year before and couldn’t imagine calling my parents again telling them of another technological mishap.

Had I been on TV, though, they would have known about that, my underage drinking, and why my purse smelled like hot garbage after that.  And it would not have been pretty.

* Unfortunately, the facts that follow are 100% true: I had a crush. A big time crush. He liked to drink. A Lot.  He got drunk. He wanted to drive. He finally got his keys and tore down the street towards his car. His friends, too busy at an A-bar, didn’t care to go after him. But someone did. And that someone was me.

I chased said crush down the street in my heels and ran faster and more embarrassingly than the way Phoebe ran on Friends. While running, my boobs popped out over my tank. And they stayed there for a good while. Flashing EVERYONE on a very main street on campus.  A very out of breath me then tried to stop him from getting in his car. I failed. Conceding, I turned to walk home. And then tucked my boobs back into my tank-top.

Other times I was so happy to not have a camera around:
* The countless times abroad I stepped in dog/horse sh*t and got it all. over. my. Uggs.
*The time I drank too much Franzia and was asked to leave the bar for being sick in the bathroom.
* The fact that I drank Franzia at all.
*The time I thought it was a great idea to dye my very dark brown hair BLONDE in Italy.
* My abroad trip to Amsterdam.
* The time freshman year I was so overly PMS-y that when I went to talk to my TA, I ended up BAWLING in her chair. I then stopped at McDonalds on the way home, got a kids meal and sat on my bed in french-fry heaven. I did however get an A on my next paper…
*Any time I was trying to throw some game at a guy. Seriously, no one needs to see that. No one.
* That one time I came home late night, tore apart everything in the kitchen, woke up the next morning clutching a two liter bottle of orange soda with pizza sauce on my chin and chocolate on my cheek.

Oh wait – did I say one time? Yeah, by one time I  actually mean every Thursday, Friday and Saturday for FOUR YEARS.  Who needs a camera to add 15 pounds when late night pizza does the same exact thing?

The truth is, college is best lived when no one’s watching. Or when the only people watching are the ones in the trenches with you. Facebook photos are bad enough – I don’t need video documentation of the most 4 debaucherous years of my life.

G.W.W.E.: Carmelo “Slam Dunk” Anthony
G.W.W.E.: Carmelo “Slam Dunk” Anthony
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