It’s Friday night and you throw on your hottest little black dress, toss back some shots with your girlfriends and then hit the club, bar or, everyone’s favorite, the kegger.
Soon you’re in a first class seat to Blackout City (population: who the eff knows? You’re seeing double), and the next thing you know, you’re waking up topless in a strange bed, wearing someone’s boxers and one high heel. You turn over slowly, silently pleading that at least he’s good looking.
But regardless of what you see (there’s no turning back now, sister!), there are 10 major things you don’t want to hear:
1. “You’re on birth control, right?”
2. “That video is going to get so many hits online”
3. “What was your name again?”
This problem is two-fold. One: he put his P in your V and he doesn’t even know your name?! What a sleaze. Two: Sh*t! What name did you give him last night!?
4. “Thank God those warts went away!”
5. “I love you.”
You knew you were good, but that good?
6. “I always knew my first time would be awesome!”
7. “You might want to get checked out.”
8. “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
Other equally terrible comparisons: ex-girlfriend, your mom, your roommate, your best friend, and your best gay guy friend.
9. “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”
10. “So, you want to go down on me or what?”
Especially heinous after a long encounter with every girl’s arch nemesis, Mr. Whiskey Dick.
All ten of these are serious cause to pack that kid up and ship him out. Oh…this is his place? Ok, just find your other shoe and be on your way. Or just screw the shoe – you’ve got plenty more at home. Run!
Have you heard worse? Share your thoughts below!
Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie