10 Things Old Ladies SHOULDN’T Be Doing

Meet Elizabeth Adeney:  she’s a successful business woman in her mid-60s, working and living in Britain.  Ms. Adeney is a divorcee and well respected by her friends and associates, so one must ask, “What makes her special?”

Well folks, she’s preggers.  At 66, Elizabeth Adeney is set to be Britain’s oldest woman to give birth, beating the previous record holder by a whopping nine years.  Um, gross?

Stories like this are destined to send shivers down your spine and flash disturbing images of your mother and/or grandmother doing similar things before your eyes.  There are things that we just don’t want to see old (not older, old) ladies doing and getting knocked up is definitely one of them.

Here is a list of 10 more things that old ladies definitely SHOULDN’T be doing:

1.  Having Sex: Worse than just talking about sex, the fact that old ladies have sex is just plain awful.  Just think of the wrinkles and folds and floppiness…oh gawd.  Curse the day when pharmaceutical companies decided that it was okay for old people to get it on.  Curse it!

2.  Wearing Mini-Skirts (or any variation on that fashion): Hey, if you’ve got the legs, show ’em off.  Just realize that they have an expiration date and it’s usually around the age of 40 (unless you’re one of the lovely ladies on Sex and the City).  Old ladies be warned.

3.  Talking About Sex: Nothing is worse than the moment your  mom sits you down to explain the “facts of life” to you.  Oh wait, unless it’s your grandmother or some other older lady…and she’s talking about her personal experiences. Welcome to way-past-the-point of blissful ignorance.

4.  Posing Nude: I’m having trouble even justifying the fact that old ladies have to be naked at all, much less reveling in it and making other people watch (you hear that, Janice Dickinson?!).  I can’t even to begin to describe my revulsion.

5.  Dancing (anything but the waltz): A waltz between old people is fine, precious even.  However, a club?  No, thanks.  If my mom feels a groove thing coming on, I hope she would get herself to a gym and spin it out there instead of heading down to a hot club and shakin’ it on the dance floor.

6.  Using Slang: Slang is a possession of the youth culture and, guess what?  We don’t like to share.  When old ladies try to use the words and phrases from our generation, it just sounds wrong.  No one wants to make plans to meet granny for lunch and have her respond with, “Fo Shizzle, Nizzle.” That’s not even cool anymore, grams!

7. Enhancing Their Assets: Let’s face it – wrinkles and a push-up bra are a toxic combination.  No matter how far those suckers fall, grandma just better let ’em hang, ’cause I am so not down for seeing any part of your 70-year-old knockers.

8. Wearing Bikinis: A family vacation at the beach or what-have-you is cute.  Including grandma in the vacation is even more quaint.  However, when grandma packs her new thong bikini?  Vacation just got real.  Too real.

9.  Shopping at Victoria’s Secret: Everything in that store is going to lead to flirting, dancing, sex, or other activities restricted to young hotties like ourselves.  No old ladies allowed. (See above. Yes, all of it.)

10. Facebookin’: Getting status updates from my friends every five minutes is enough; I don’t need to see what some old lady is cooking for dinner (at 4 pm), or all the pictures she has from her latest reunion with the grandkids. Stay off Facebook, old people. That’s ours!

Roller Coaster of Love. Literally.
Roller Coaster of Love. Literally.
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