We are the Facebook generation. With this glorious title comes many responsibilities (well, sort of): we must immediately inform our friends of any and all actions we take and decisions we make during our day. This includes what TV show we’re watching, what we are eating, the status of our relationships and, subsequently, our break-ups.
Now that Facebook is in the picture, there is a whole new slew of issues we must face when dealing with a heartbreaking, make-you-wanna-sit-in-your-room-alone-crying-to-sappy-music breakups.
Before Facebook (BF): You break it off with your lover and tell everyone that you ended it, so you need your besties and Ben & Jerry’s, like, stat.
After Facebook (AF): You break it off with your lover and they change their relationship status first, making it look like it was their decision. Which it was not. Ok, maybe it was, but did they have to change that so quickly? Now you’re getting 45 FB messages and wall posts asking if you are OK.
BF: You rip up all your pictures, cutting out your ex’s face and even burning the particularly painful ones. Ah, satisfaction.
AF: You untag the 1,938 pictures of you guys as a couple. It takes four hours and is in no way satisfying because there is a sad lack of sharp objects and fire. And the pictures are still fully intact.
BF: You carefully orchestrate a plan to “accidentally” be at the same social function as your ex, looking fabulous and with what looks like the next Calvin Klein underwear model.
AF: You post pictures from a bender with your besties, carefully editing out the embarrassing bits (oh, thousands) and making sure to post an appropriate, make-him-jealous Facebook status (“Sooo tired but had the best time EVER last night!! <3 Mike” Note: Mike is not your ex).
BF: You still have his daily schedule memorized, so you “check up” on him every now and then. (Wait, why is he lingering in Starbucks so long? When did Starbucks start hiring models as baristas??)
AF: You and your Blackberry settle down for a productive day of Facebook stalking. Looks like your ex hasn’t posted any photos since your break-up. Is that because he hasn’t done anything worthy of photos, or is that because he’s been too busy with someone else to get any photos taken??
BF: You avoid any sort of knowledge that he has moved on before you.
AF: Your Newsfeed tells you that some new chick has posted pictures of him. You spend the next 3 hours checking this girl out, seeing who she knows, Googling her, and trying to figure out if they are just friends or if it’s something more.
BF: You totally cut your ex out of your life: ignoring his phone calls, staying away from his favorite places, etc. Cold turkey on the communication.
AF: You un-friend your ex on Facebook so he can’t see your frequent status updates that include comments on your daily testing of waterproof mascara and the merits of the different flavors of Ben & Jerry’s (seriously, they are the bearers of peace and serenity). And then you regret un-friending him because you can no longer see what he’s doing. But you can’t re-friend him; that would just be pathetic. What should you do? Oh why did you act so abruptly? Now you are going to have to stalk your friends who are still friends with him so you can use their FB to look at him.
Ugh. As if breaking up weren’t hard enough already…