Overheard: Textual Abuse


[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(Guys in a liquor store, looking at whiskey.)

Guy 1: Evan Williams? Who the f*** is Evan Williams?

Guy 2: Hey! Look at me! Evan Williams! I’m like Jack Daniel, but I scored 40 points higher on my SATs!

(Girls at a party.)

Girl 1: Fart jokes are, like, the apogee of comedy. Funny every time.

Girl 2: Yeah, it’s like, “To be or not to – ” *PPPPHHHHRRPPP*

(Girl and boy, looking into a storefront.)

Girl: Uh, what? Are you talking about child pornography?

Boy: No! I was talking about the martini glasses!

(Girl, to her boyfriend.)

Girl: I don’t want you. I want science fiction.

(Furious father, from upstairs.)

Dad: God damnit! Who put a cheese stick in the washing machine?

(Girl, toasting marshmallows on a porch.)

Girl: I’ve actually had entire relationships from beginning to end through text messages. It’s better that way.

(Two guys, walking across the street in a small Mass. city.)

Guy 1: Sensors show that all the women here are flat-chested, Captain!

Guy 2: Warp factor nine, Mr. Sulu! Get us out of here!

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: They’re only dating when they’re in the same zip code. It’s like they’ve got giant magnets inside their lips.

(Two girls in a pizza restaurant.)

Girl 1: Nothing big is cute.

Girl 2: One foot toddler? Cute. One hundred foot toddler? Gross.

Girl 1: Wait, one foot toddler?

(Two guys, under a rock wall.)

Guy: Dude, this isn’t your girlfriend. This is rock climbing. You use these two fingers.

(Girl, composing a text message. Rough)

Girl: Should I put a smiley? I don’t know. What if he doesn’t like smilies?  Is a smiley too happy? What about a winky? No, that’s really creepy. What about an exclamation point?  But that’s like, “ah.” But a period is like “uh.” God! I hate my life!

(Guy, watching four girls move a table out of an apartment.)

Guy: Hey, uh, can I help you girls with anything?

Girl: Yeah, you can spend nine months carrying unborn humans  in your belly for us.

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