The Golden Excuse: Riding The Crimson Wave

Everyone has done it or at least thought about doing it. It’s dirty, it’s sneaky, and it’s best left to professionals.  What I’m talking about, of course, is the period excuse.

Women, being the fragile, emotional creatures that we are, are often incapable of simple activity due to the massive blood loss through our vaginas that happens once a month. You know, so when you park at a meter and don’t put money in, it’s obvs that you’re broke because of your “monthly bill.”

Wrong or right, using your period as an excuse works every time. At least when men are involved. And because thinking is hard when Mother Nature is visiting, we came up with a cheat sheet of excuses to use when you just can’t carry on functioning as a normal human being:

Work:

“I won’t be able to make it in today because I have a really heavy flow, which makes it difficult for me to answer the phone and type things.  You know.”

“I think I’m gonna have to leave early today.  I don’t have any tampons here at work. Would you like me to explain further?”

“I don’t think people would want their food served by someone who has been bleeding for 4 days.”

Boyfriend:

“Please do my laundry for me.  I’m afraid that due to my period bloats, if I have to look at my skinny jeans right now I will stab someone with my Ben & Jerry’s spoon.  Probably you, actually.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t text/call you all day.  You are clearly the victim here. Not me, the one curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb because I have debilitating CRAMPS.”

“I need you to give me a massage because the amount of iron I have lost to my period has affected my muscles.  The massage needs to be at least an hour long and should be followed by a facial.”

School:

“Dear Male Professor, I was going to do my paper but I got my period. You can give me a bad grade, but due to my raging hormones I do not recommend it.”

“Due to shedding an excessively thick uterine lining this month, I will not be able to participate in lab this week.”

I’m sorry my paper isn’t ready. I ran out of pads and had to use computer paper.”

These excuses should hold you over until next month.  Of course, if you ever get stuck in a tough situation, just throw the words “uterus,” “heavy flow,” “vagina” and/or “blood” out there.  They’re guaranteed to discourage any further questions.  Good luck, ladies!

Why You Should…Date a Short Dude
Why You Should…Date a Short Dude
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