10 Reasons We Wanna “Will.I.Am” Perez Hilton

Like most people, I thought this entire Perez vs. Will.I.Am sitch would be long over by now. But who am I kidding? This is Perez Hilton we’re talking about. He’s still dragging out the Miss California trainwreck out and it’s been months. Today Perez released an 11 minute video explaining his side of the story. I refuse to watch the video (because looking at this kid for 11 minutes is as painful as getting a 60 minute Brazilian) and even just knowing it exists has made me so angry I’ve been forced to indulge in a spoonful jar of peanut butter just to calm myself.

I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for saying this, but Perez deserved to be punched. I know violence is never the answer, but either is malicious gossip or name-calling. In fact, I’m surprised this is the first time Perez has taken a beat-down. Perez is an awful human being and here are my top 10 reasons (there are hundreds) that I’d totally punch that dude with all my might if I ever had the chance:

1. He’s a hypocrite: He claims he doesn’t speak for the gay community when he uses a derogatory term and pisses off GLAAD, but he acts as their spokesman when Carrie Prejean is involved.

2. He plays favorites: Perez claims to report the gossip on all celebs, but you will never see anything negative on that sh*tshow about Lady Gaga, Katie Perry, or any of the other other celebs he fawns over/stalks to be BFF with.

3. His clothing line: I haven’t seen anything that horrendous since Britney flashed her vadge.

4. His lack of talent: Perez beat the “gossip site” rush with his little “paint a penis on your face” idea, but the guy isn’t funny, witty, or smart. So why is he so successful?

5. Um, he’s annoying? I would love to go one day (ONE FREAKING DAY) without this douche bag stirring up some controversy or doing just about anything to get talked about.

6. He creates drama: You ever have one of those friends that is just surrounded by drama? You never want to be near them because it always seems to follow them/cause someone to cry? Well, that’s Perez. Only he’s a billion times worse. He creates drama (and ruined careers) in other people’s lives but doesn’t “want it in his own life.” You don’t get it both ways, ass.

7. His hair: I don’t know why, but just looking at that mop on his head makes me want to punch him in the throat. Who does he think he is, Kate Gosselin?

8. He’s a pussy: When I say mean things, I expect to hear mean things back. And I definitely knew that beer bottle was coming when I told some girl her highlights looked cheap. But not Perez. The boy can dish it out but he sure can’t take it. Unless “taking it” involves pissing, moaning and making an 11 MINUTE video trying to explain himself (that I refuse to link to, because I don’t want him getting any more traffic.)

9. He’s alive: Seriously, just knowing he’s out there makes me so angry I want to throw this coffee mug at his face.

10. He brings it all on himself: Perez starts everything, including this Will.I.Am business. You talk about people online, it will come back to you. The douche has never talked about me, but if I ever see him, you better believe my giant flower ring will be stamped in his forehead.

We’ve All Been There: The Parental Visit
We’ve All Been There: The Parental Visit
  • 10614935101348454