Why Are Politicians So Stupid?!


"Bring that camera over here, mistress. Rarrr."

We’ve long known that celebrities do stupid stuff.  Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton (does she count as a celebrity?) and countless others entertain us with their amusing and slightly horrifying behavior.  However, they’re not the only ones who like to get drunk and go a little crazy.  No, no my friends – the political arena is where all the craziest stuff happens.

This worries me slightly.  Why are our elected officials giving Pamela Anderson a run for her money?  Perhaps if you are in public office, you should learn to keep your partying on the D-L (and maybe your dick in your pants).  Of course, just because you’re an elected official doesn’t mean that you have to live the life of a monk, but maybe not signing up for that prostitution club would be a good idea.

Here’s a list of some of the stupidest politicians in recent years. Let’s hope the public humiliation provided by the 24-hour news cycle of the obsessed American press will deter them from making any more stupid choices. (Editor’s Note: You are not invincible, leaders of America!) And if not, maybe it’s time we, the American people, start choosing our leaders more wisely (i.e. more women).

John Edwards –  Fresh from admitting he had an affair, the former presidential candidate has now leaked a sex tape.  Unlike the Leighton Meester sex tape, I have no interest in watching this guy bump uglies with anyone.  I can only imagine the pale floppiness…and then my brain commits suicide.

Mark Sanford – Not only did Mark Sanford have an extramarital affair, he had an Argentinian extramarital affair.  The man flew all the way down to Argentina to have (presumably hot and steamy) sex with his Argentinian mistress.  I mean, that’s pretty baller, but I think Mark may have forgotten that he is not 007, but the Governor of South Carolina.  They are not the same thing.

John Ensign – Senator Ensign lambasted President Clinton when he was on trial for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.  Fast forward a few years and we find John Ensign in an extramarital affair with the wife of a close friend (both of whom were working on his campaign).  You stay classy, John Ensign.

Sam Adams, aside from having a sweet name (connections to beer and politics – can’t beat that), Mayor Adams also lied about having sex with an 18-year-old male intern.  I feel like if you’re going to use your office as a place to pick up potential lovers, you might wanna keep out of politics.  It doesn’t really ever seem to work out.

Kwame Kilpatrick had a big reputation to live up to as Mayor of Detroit.  What Kwame ended up doing was having an affair with his Chief of Staff (and possibly another woman), lying about it, and subsequently being proven a liar by evidence of racy text messages between the two.  Nice.  At least Detroit’s still got it.

Vito Fossella, a politician from New York, was caught driving under the influence.  He then confessed to having a long-term mistress with whom he had a three-year-old love child.  At least he wasn’t talking on his cell phone while driving, right?  He got somethin’ right.

Robert Allen was caught soliciting an undercover officer in a public restroom.  Apparently, the Florida State Rep. offered to perform oral sex and pay $20.  Seems like a deal, no?  Apparently, this is Robert Allen’s way of responding to black guys.  He’s now claiming that he only acted that way out of “racial panic.”  Um…what?

Robert Packwood missed his true calling in life.  Since 29 women came forward to accuse of him of everything from sexual harassment to abuse and assaults, I’m thinking he should have been a pimp.  Apparently Senator Packwood thinks so, too, because although he initially denied any wrongdoing, he was proven wrong by his own, boastful diary.  Bravo, sir.  Bravo.

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." Oscar Wilde I have a LOT of imagination.