Body of Lies: Keep The Clothes On, Dudes

Some people were just meant to be naked.  They worked hard on their bodies (or were blessed by some freak chance of natural awesomeness) and I won’t stand in their way of presenting perfection to the world.  Hell, I always say that if I had the goods, I’d be showing ’em off, too.  However, there’s a reason I’m not showing my “goods” to anyone.  Some people just look better with clothes ON.  Like me.  And these dudes:

Leonardo DiCaprio.

The man is smoldering on the red carpet…and pretty much everywhere else you find him with clothes on.  However, the beach (and we’re not talking the movie)?  Leo is a bit heavy on the man boobs and whatnot.  He should stick to the jeans + tee shirt rule at the very least.

Daniel Radcliff

Everyone’s favorite wizard is a bonafide cutie patootie.  He’s got the eyes, the hair, the smile, and the accent to pull any girl he likes – but watch out!  The minute Daniel strips down, you better put on some shades because that kid is paler than I am.  Yes, he’s got a pretty sweet body from all those nude plays and Harry Potter fight sequences, but you won’t be able to see it beyond the glare his freakishly white skin produces.

Chris Noth

Oh, Mr. Big.  Just like Carrie, I have a love/hate relationship with you.  I love when you wear deliciously tailored suits and crack a smug smile or two.  I hate when you take your clothes off and obliterate any sexy time imaginings I may have been having about you.  Put the gut away – you look too sexy in clothes to be seen without any.

Pierce Brosnan

James Bond = Sex.  That’s just the way it goes.  Any 007 is pure sex walking around in a Gucci suit or whatever he feels like pulling off at that moment.  They can wear anything and I’ll be all over it (well, not literally…stupid restraining orders).  When they wear nothing, even better – oh wait, no.  Not true.  Throw a shirt over that thick mass of gray chest hair, please, Pierce.

Steven Tyler

As a rock legend, Steven Tyler has been workin’ it for decades.  He’s the original hipster, rolling with the skinny  jeans and scarves.  He represents the epitome of rock and roll and all the strange and fascinating fashion choices that come with that title.  He’s also really skinny and kind of scary looking without any clothes on.  Really scary.  The word “skeletor” comes to mind.

Russell Crowe

I love my gladiator sandals, but a real gladiator…now that I could get on board with.  Who didn’t want to be locked up with Russell Crowe, wearing a toga and some sweet sandals?  The man is cut…sort of.  Well, he was, anyway.  Now he’s in need of some serious Man Spanxx and clothing at all times.  And even he thinks so – he won’t be seen without a shirt anywhere. Way to be considerate, Russy.

Val Kilmer


If you can make a suit of black spandex, latex, and a cape look good (especially when you throw a pair of bat ears on top), then you deserve the title of “sexy pants.”  Val Kilmer has shown us over and over again why we adore him.  Unfortunately, when he goes out without his clothes on, he also gives us reason to team up with The Riddler to take him down.

The Weekly Wrap Up: Let’s Get Magical
The Weekly Wrap Up: Let’s Get Magical
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