Ah, breaking up. America’s favorite pastime. Whether your relationship ended abruptly, amicably or was “complicated” or “well we’re not together, but we’re still together” for way too long (cough EIGHT MONTHS cough) before it ended on horrible terms (totally hypothetical situation – definitely didn’t happen to me this weekend) breaking up fully blows.
But what if you could get back everything you gave? Well, monetarily at least.
Thanks to OutOfYourLife.com, women suffering from breaking-off-the-engagement can send back their rings when the douchebag peaces out and get back some serious cashola. Is there any better way to get over a breakup than to get a giant check in the mail? I think not.
But what about for the rest of us gals who didn’t bag a diamond? I made a hypothetical projected return rate on what most college girls get out of their exes if they’d been dating them for six months. Let me know if I forgot anything…
Crappy tee shirt that you borrowed and never returned: $5
DVDs or CDs he’s left behind, given or lent you. Like I’d even want to watch “Four Brothers.” When was that cool? However, Tyrese is pretty delish.: $20
Gifts he considered “Birthday or Holiday worthy” (stuffed animals, non precious jewelry, trashy lingerie, etc…): $50
One smelly sock found jammed under your bed: $.05
Bill for therapy: -$300
6 months worth of birth control: -$180
One projected future year of gym membership bought to lose weight gained from said birth control: -$240
Any and all purchases made “for” him. Trashy lingerie. Outfits. You know, bedroom things. Ugh, I knew that seventy dollar lacy corset was a big mistake: -$300
Anytime he “forgot his wallet” or “didn’t have any cash” or “how about you just put this on your dad’s credit card?”: -$400
Reimbursement for wasting time: sports center, video games, etc… set your price at $10 an hour: -$2000
Relocation fees if you moved to get away from his sorry ass: -$1500
Costs of buying multiple pairs of flats because you couldn’t wear heels because he was an inch shorter than you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just adds up: -$100
Cost of gallons of ice cream, sappy DVD rentals and Kleenex for a week: $15.73
Cost of your bar tab for the first weekend he broke up with you. Bottles to the face might be able to be written off as a subset of “therapy” for some: -$198.50 (WHAT? Don’t judge me).
So, if my calculations are correct (I’m no finance major), I’d get about -$5,159.18 back from this website. Awesome.
I get dumped by a d-bag and I end up $6k in the hole? Looks like the recession hasn’t affected breakups…
Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie