Have you always aspired to be a politician, but didn’t know how to break into the political arena? Want to perfect that resume before you make the big move to Washington, D.C.? Looking to gain the experience needed to be one of our country’s fearless leaders?
Well, these days, getting into politics is easy. Real easy. All you have to do is follow these simple steps, and you’ll be on your way to public office in no time!
– Get a group of your friends together and start up a massive money-laundering scheme on campus. It’ll look great on your resume, especially if you want to run for office in New Jersey!
– Head to Argentina on your spring break and find yourself a local to hook up with. Oh, but be sure not to tell your current BF that you’re heading outta town. Mark Sanford did it; it seems voters like a sensitive person who isn’t afraid to show emotion.
– Resign from your position as secretary of your school’s student government before your term is up in order to pursue a presidential bid. Hey, it’s working for Sarah Palin; the (gotcha) media circus around her is just what every politician wants. If you can get the campus paper on your tail, you’re golden!
– Got a single room? That’ll come in handy for a career-boosting sex scandal. Set up a tripod or offer your RA money for booty. It worked like a charm for President Bill Clinton, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, and former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, so it should be a shoe-in for your future political career.
– Speaking of McGreevey, come out of the closet! In our progressive era, fab politicians are a logical next step.
– When you do eventually get to be president of the student government, dabble in unethical political practices. A good place to start? Try to auction off a vacant council seat, get caught in a corruption scandal, then use the campus paper as a platform to defend yourself (and soak up the spotlight while you’re at it). If you can master this in two months or less, you could become the next Governor of Illinois!
Please note: Whatever you do, DON’T pull a Mark Foley. Everything else is fair game, though. And the more media attention you get as you rise to political stardom, the better. After all, in politics, there’s no such thing as bad press….or wrong doing.