Three is Most Definitely a Crowd

There’s a reason kids on tricycles get their asses kicked; no one likes a third wheel.

Yet time and time again, as coupled people attempt to prove that they have not fallen victim to the anti-social-eat-Chinese-food-while-cuddling-on-the-couch behavior long associated with relationships, you somehow end up third-wheeling it up night after night. While kudos should be given for the attempt to reach out to their relationship challenged friends, couples are either oblivious to or choosing to ignore the fact that watching them make lovey eyes at each other while you pound down more Jack and Diets than the bartender can serve up is not exactly an ideal Saturday night.

And that is only one of the many reasons three is a crowd:

– They will inevitably ask you if you are dating someone. I don’t know if people in relationships have forgotten how to talk about entertainment/sports/music/school/politics/other people, but it seems their favorite topic is relationships. You will either have to awkwardly tell them that no one has even bought you coffee within the past 6 months, or that you have been casually dating someone. (If you are casually dating someone, be warned…they will ask you to invite him 10,000 times).

– If at a restaurant or bar, the waiter will automatically ask you if there is a fourth person coming. There will be an awkward pause. Someone will despondently respond, “No…just 3.”

– The odds of PDA increase proportionally to the amount of drinks had. By drink 3, the happy couple is likely eskimo kissing and snuggling across the table from you while you think of the best ways to cover up a double homicide (or at least the best excuse to hightail it out of there!).

– You’re not allowed to hit on anyone. While bars usually give singles that wonderful kid in a candy store feeling, your couple will inevitably judge you if you start flirting with any hotties. They will either get upset that you are ditching them for some guy (even though the night ultimately ends in them ditching you for each other), or look down upon you for your juvenile ways.

– They will ask you if they are still fun in about 50 different ways. “Aren’t we a blast?” “We still ACT like singles!” “We’re one of those fun couples.” “Aren’t you having a great time, I love doing this!” I can only come up with so many masked variations of, “No…not really.”

So why not fake sick and bail on the happy couple? There are, admittedly, some perks: in an attempt to appease you, they are likely to buy you a few beverages (deep down they know it’s sucky). Plus, by acting nonchalant about being a third wheel, you immediately go from pitied single friend, to confident and secure single friend. And most importantly…sometimes you just gotta do stuff for your friends! How many times do your coupled friends let you drag them around parties and bars while you mack on strangers? Sometimes you can’t help but be the third wheel (or even *gasp* the fifth), but you just have to grin, bear it, and plan a much needed singles night out.

Sexy Time: Condoms and Commitment
Sexy Time: Condoms and Commitment
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