Are You A Facebook Stalker? Your Secret Isn’t Safe Anymore!

[This post is old. To get the real, updated deal on Facebook creepin’, click here.]

My day started off bad enough with ultra frizzy hair and sweat in every crack, crevice and fold on my body (thank you, hot and hazy NYC summer!). I didn’t think it could get much worse than swamp ass, but it did. Oh boy did it get worse.

Upon signing online for my morning FB stalk sesh I learned that Facebook has added a new application:  The Stalker Check app.

What is it, you ask? Why, it’s a way for everyone on FB to see who has been looking at their profile. Yes, that includes the guy I’m crushing on, whose pictures I may or may not (read: totes) check every day. And those cute boys I’ve met at the bar, whose profiles I check the minute I get home at 3am.  And my ex boyfriend, whose wall-to-wall with other bitches I tend to monitor. And those very bitches with their skanky photos and annoying status updates….

It’s not my fault!
I’m not a stalker at heart, Facebook just morphed me into one.
And now they’re going to ho me out?

Well, no not exactly.  As I desperately researched more about this app to figure out just exactly how much of my stalkerish self would be revealed, I learned some uplifting (relatively speaking, of course) things.

1. Although Stalker Check does show who is looking at your profile, it does not reveal just how many times you refreshed to see if Mr. Hottie had any more topless photos uploaded.

2. But there is a ranking list.  So the objects of your stalking desire don’t know how many times you looked, but they can see that you looked a hell of a lot more than anyone else out there.

This is just….awesome. I call bullsh*t on you, Mark Zuckerberg. What happened to the Facebook policy that “Recent activity will never be shown about whose profile you view”? Huh? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? It’s fine if you want to let my mom on, or implement the annoying Newsfeed (which, I admit, I sorta love), but this is going too far.

If I can’t stalk in the privacy of my own home, what’s the point of Facebook anyway?

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