Farting: Why You Should Let ‘Er Rip

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Farting is always inappropriate and embarrassing.  I will never support any form of butt cheek musicals.  However, I may be forced to change my mind after seeing this little piece of earth-shattering news: Tiger Woods farted.  He farted on the 18th hole of the Buick Open.  Oh yes people, this is news.  This is, in fact, the #1 most searched term on Google right now.  Shocked?  So am I.

However, if this story has taught me one thing, it’s that farting can overshadow more important events (like winning a golf tournament).  Sometimes that’s exactly what you need – a distraction.  Now I doubt that Tiger Woods farted to distract the world from him winning yet another golf thingy (yeah, I don’t care for golf), but seeing all this attention makes me wonder when else we could use a well-timed fart…

Cheating On An Exam – Obviously, you should never cheat on an exam.  But, if it’s at 8am on a Friday morning and you are wrecked from the night before, we’ll forgive you for not knowing the biological origins and genealogical history of lemurs.  You know, who does know that stuff?  That kid sitting right in front of you.  Uh-oh!  Your professor caught you leaning forward a bit too far and now has come to confront you.  What should you do?  Fart.  Fart right now so he’ll think you were just trying to shift around to make the fart silent.  Foolproof!

Breaking Up With Someone – Breaking up is hard to do (or so says Neil Sedaka) and is made even harder by all the different technologies on which we proclaim our relationships.  Still, breaking up face-to-face is the polite and acceptable thing to do (even though it’s awkward as balls).  What should you do to break that awkward silence and shift the attention away from the tense, heavy atmosphere?  Fart, of course!  He’ll be so distracted and surprised, you can both have a giggle and then part ways before he remembers what happened. (Or he’ll be so disgusted, you won’t be that difficult to get over….)

Interview – It’s a tough job market out there, so when you actually land an interview, it can be a pretty big deal.  You get new clothes, you make sure your hair and make up are appropriate and professional, and you prepare smart and informed questions about the job and the company.  Even after all this, interviews can be uncomfortable and extremely stressful.  Rather than sit through an awful silence while the interviewer eyes you with disinterest and you struggle to show them how brilliant you are, just let one rip.  This will break the ice and make sure that they won’t forget you when they’re looking at the four-foot high stack of resumes later.  Just make sure it doesn’t stink…

Bar Creeper – These dudes are notoriously hard to shake.  There is literally nothing you can do to throw off a bar creeper if he has his sights set on you.  “No” is a word that doesn’t seem to exist for them and you can forget about subtle hints that you want them to eff off.  You know what’s not so subtle?  Farting.  Even though I’ve never tried this particular tactic, I’m convinced that it will be effective.  Just make sure it’s loud enough to hear over the music (though, perhaps, not loud enough to be heard by everyone in the bar), otherwise your efforts will be wasted.  A smelly fart is also acceptable in this situation.

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