Chew This, Ride That

Thanks to my Jewish mother, I’m the kind of girl that is always prepared for everything. People are constantly making fun of me and my 30lb purses, but that’s what happens when you carry around anything you could possibly need in a day: bleach pen, gum, band-aids, tampons, candy (lots and lots of candy), hand cream, multiple lip balms, hair care products, multiple cans of Diet Coke, etc.

I really thought I covered all my bases until I ended up in a situation to which I had no fix: a guy who couldn’t get it up.

At first I was distressed that I had done something wrong. Were my legs too hairy? My tan lines unattractive? Did he prefer girls with more than a landing strip?

After I got over that (“Uh, hello, the guy last week didn’t seem to have any issues!”), I still couldn’t shake the disappointment in myself. That was the first time in a long time that I was unable to reach into my Mary Poppins bag and pull out a cure. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to carry a penis pump in a Marc Jacobs bag (what would Marc think of me?!), but at the same time, there has to be something I can do to prevent further unfortunate occurrences.

And, by golly, I found it.

Introducing: Sexlets. Gum that freshens your man’s beer breath while also sending some serious blood flow to his little friend downstairs. This gum promises pearly whites…and longer sexcapades. Can Trident do that?

I don’t think so.

And, unlike Viagra/Cialis, which you’d have to crush up and dump into your boy toy’s cocktail (tee hee) to keep from offending him, you can just offer the boy a nice stick of gum. He’ll think you’re being nice…and he’ll have no idea just how nice you really are.

I wonder if they sell this stuff at Costco. I’ve got some room in my vajay bag and I know just what I want to fill it.

8 Under $20: Macy’s
8 Under $20: Macy’s
  • 10614935101348454