Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she will judge you, you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.
We thought we’d help and every Thursday our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!
Q: I am still a virgin. It’s not because I’m religious or anything – I just haven’t met the right person. The only thing is that I’m finally ready to sleep with this guy, but I don’t know if I should tell him or not? Guys seem to get pretty freaked out about that kind of stuff. Is it possible to just do it and not tell him?
A: I hear ya, sister! It’s a lot of responsibility to be someone’s first. But it’s also a big decision on your part. I remember when I was young and a girlfriend told me, “You’ll never forget your first. And a part of you will always love him and feel connected to him.” She called it “getting stuck,” because the bonding experience of losing your virginity acts like glue. In my case, she was absolutely right. Part of me still loves the guy who took my cherry. So think twice about how you make this decision.
As for whether the guy gets freaked out, I say tell him and let him accept that responsibility. If he’s too freaked out to be your first, don’t give it away to him. You want someone who knows it’s your first time, can handle the responsibility that comes with that, and cares enough to make sure you feel nurtured, loved, and accepted when you lose your virginity.
Is it possible to just do it and not tell him? Yeah. But your body may give you away. If your hymen is still intact, you may bleed, which might clue him in. Also, the first time can be very painful. Your reaction may tell him. But why hide it? If you trust him enough to make the very mature decision to have sex with him, I hope you trust him with the truth.
Not to get on my soapbox, but don’t forget about birth control and disease prevention. Make sure you use a condom, and you might want to talk to your gynecologist about more effective birth control, like The Pill, Depo-Provera, the patch, or the vaginal ring. While condoms will help protect you from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, they’re not perfect at either. So keep that in mind when you choose a partner. Do you know where that penis has been? Don’t be embarrassed to ask. It’s your right to know. And if you haven’t gotten the HPV vaccine yet, consider getting it before you have sex the first time. It could protect you from a lifetime of genital warts, abnormal pap smears, and cervical cancer.
Blessings to you as you venture forth on this path, sweetie. Listen to your intuition and embark on this journey with faith in yourself and trust in your partner.