It’s that time of year, when people start packing up their lives to fit into the ridiculously small storage closets they call dorm rooms. For some of us, we will be heading back to familiar sights and sounds, having already navigated our way through a couple years of school. For the rest of us, it will be the first time on campus and the start of a much-hyped period in your life: the college years.
There have been several books written to prepare incoming freshman for all the crazy shiz that will go down during their first year of school. Their relatives, friends, guidance counselors and even complete strangers will also advise them on how to stay healthy in the cafeteria and how to sneak alcohol into their dorm room.
To really be prepared for your freshman year, however, you should get familiar with the people that will surround you on a daily basis. Will your roommate be a Loner or a Homesick Child? Will your lab partner be an Athlete/Ultimate Fan and therefore too busy checking on player stats and scores to write the chemistry report with you? Only time will tell, so you might as well be prepared.
Here’s the 10 types of freshmen you’ll meet on campus:
The Party Boy/Girl
These kids came to college for one reason and one reason only: to partaaaaaaay! They definitely spent too much time watching exaggerated college movies and are expecting nightly games of beer pong and hot, half-naked coeds everywhere. They will be somewhat disappointed by the reality, but will make up for it by partying extra hard on the weekends. Expect them to have converted their closet door into a makeshift beer pong table for their dorm room. This kid is where the party is and always will be.
If this kid didn’t go to class or appear in the dining hall once in a while, no one would know he even existed. He/she is always on their computer with huge headphones on, completely oblivious to the rest of the world. You’re not quite sure if you’ve ever heard them speak or seen them sleep, but they got into college somehow, so they must be somewhat intelligent. In lecture halls, they are usually on a hand-held device or on their laptop, always in the corner or back. Mad props if you hear this person speak or engage them in conversation or an activity of any kind.
The Homesick Child
They miss their mommies. They also miss their bedroom, their dog, their siblings, all the home-cooked meals and a plethora of other things. College is full of strange, unfamiliar things and they don’t like that. The Homesick Child would rather stay in their dorm room and call/text their parents all day, complaining about everything from the cafeteria food to their roommate who “just doesn’t understand.” On the plus side, they always seem to be getting care packages from home, so they’ll have cookies to share.
The Honors Geek
You’ll find this person in the library, hard at work finishing homework that’s due three weeks from now. They’ve already accepted a research position for their favorite professor (whom they read about online before they even got to campus) and they are taking a healthy mix of honors and graduate-level courses. Honors Geeks rarely have time to socialize outside of their labs or research offices, but they are pretty nice kids (once you get past the social anxiety that usually follows them around). Maybe if you ask sweetly enough they’ll help you with your calculus homework (they’re guaranteed to have a bad ass calculator)…
The Good Kids Gone Bad
These kids were the ones in high school had had pretty good grades, some good friends, and a very normal life. They then get to campus and are corrupted by the immediate availability of alcohol, sex, and whatnot. Suddenly, that good kid you knew from high school is doing body shots off that sorority girl and skipping all his morning classes. Most recover from their lapse of judgment, but some will continue to degenerate even further.
The Fraternity/Sorority Whore
Her mother was in Kappa Gamma Iota and his father was in Delta Chi Omega (both of those are completely made up, btw), so they will be rushing from the moment they step foot on campus. They speak constantly about the sister/brotherhood, only wear clothes donning their precious letters, and go completely MIA for weeks due to rushing/pledging/whatever else they do in that giant house of theirs.
The Athlete/Ultimate Fan
This student came on either an athletic scholarship or on the love of your university’s football/basketball/hockey team. They are the loudest at any sporting event and have been known to paint parts of their body in school colors. Good luck getting them out of their dorm room on the weekends, because if they don’t have tickets to the game, then they’re gonna park it on their couch in their college colors rooting on the boys.
The Tortured Artist
You’ll be able to identify the Tortured Artists by the sketchbook/DSLR camera/guitar they tote around with them everywhere. They hated all the droids of high school and the conformist society that surrounded them, so they’re already ingrained with a sense of community loathing. This will make for awkward conversation in dorm hallways/lecture halls/cafeterias. However, the Tortured Artist always has something interesting in their room (maybe a still life set up for photography class homework or a naked model for sketching) and they chain smoke like nobody’s business, so if you ever need a cigarette, go to them.
The Hippie Stoner
The Hippie Stoner doesn’t quite know how they got into college, but there’s a bunch of weed here so they’re not complaining. This dude/chick never seems to leave their room and is always surrounded by a cloud of smoke. Whenever you come by to visit, they invite you in for some video games and invariably offer you some MJ. Although the Hippie Stoner never attends class, he/she tends to major in Philosophy, Art History or something similarly useless.
The High School Wannabes
These are the people who graduated physically from high school, but haven’t left it mentally. They still hang with all their high school friends, go home on weekends, and are probably dating someone who actually is in high school. You’ll probably hear them in the cafeteria or on the phone reminiscing about the “good ‘ole days” back before they graduated.