Heidi Montag: At Least Her Weave Covered Her Face

Okay, so when we heard Heidi Montag was set to perform at the Miss Universe pageant we all stifled a snicker. We understand it’s a recession, but Miss Universe must have greatly lacked in sponsorship this year if the best they could do was a talentless reality star who’s only famous in the first place because she married the most obnoxious man on the planet (or maybe it’s because he has mastered the art of growing a goatee made purely of pubic hair?)

Anyway, none of us expected much except a good laugh, which we definitely got, right from the introduction by Claudia Jordan, where she said basically all there was to say about the performer: “She’s a celebrity, get her out here!”

Ohhhh, and then it got good.

Before we rip her apart, we’ll give Heidi the benefit of the doubt and let her have the stamp of approval for hair and makeup. Her face looked flawless and she had the smoky eye mastered. We always love her loose curls, and did even more so last night as they covered the fact that her lips weren’t moving at all. (Honestly, if the song sucks pre-recorded, might as well save yourself some criticism and at least suck live.) The abs and perfectly perky boobs can stay too.

But everything else HAS to go.

Not even Heidi’s flawless figure could save that costume from being a total disaster. It looked like Heidi went to Chinatown and bought a polyester knockoff of Britney’s nude jumpsuit from the 2000 VMAs. Actually, now that I think of it, everything about the performance screamed Britney knockoff. From the sexy “dance moves” to the lip-synching of the poppy-techno dance tune. Except she lacks the sex appeal, rhythm and general likability factor of Britney Spears.

Already people are linking Heidi’s performance to the Britney disaster at the VMAs last year, and many are claiming she at least held it together, giving her the win. I beg to differ. At least Britney was entertaining, as we all watched eagerly waiting for her to fall off the stage in a drug and alcohol induced haze. Heidi was so uninteresting that the cameramen switched to a collage of contestants in their bathing suits halfway through, most likely in an attempt to at least keep half of the audience from switching the channel.

And I have a question, why was she so out of breath she could barley cough out a “thank you” at the end? I’m sure she gets more of a workout in the bedroom with Spencer than she did walking back and forth on a stage with a couple of hip thrusts thrown in.

In the end, I think we’re all hoping and praying she takes advice from her own lyrics and use her body language to communicate, sparing all of our eardrums the pain of her whiny voice.

Overheard: Teeny Whoppers
Overheard: Teeny Whoppers
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