Celebretard Showdown: Jon vs. Kate

They are all over the media and even if you’ve never seen their show, everyone knows who Jon and Kate are thanks to their very public separation and the battle that’s ensued. Their conflicting stories on the reason behind their divorce is plastered all over every tabloid, and the cops have even been called to settle domestic disputes at their home where they trade shifts for parent duty.

They lost a battle to Speidi right here on CollegeCandy only a few short months ago. But little did we know then that soon the couple would turn on one another. (Editor’s Note: Is this the fate of the Speids? We can only dream.) It’s now time for them to duke it out, fair and square.

Fame Whorey-ness
: Jon attempted to advertise himself as a victim of a camera whore, claiming that the reality show is what ruined his marriage and blaming Kate for wanting to continue filming. But now that the two are split we see that what Jon really wants is to be famous on his own, separate from his wife of ten years. When you are in talks to do a reality show about divorced dads, you know you’re desperate for attention. And when those talks are with Michael Lohan, you’ve really hit a new low. Not to mention the fact that every time Jon goes out in public he might as well be wearing strobe lights; head to toe Ed Hardy and a 20-year old arm candy aren’t exactly under-the-radar choices.

Kate: After the split, Kate has been doing a lot of talking… to anyone who will listen. She continues to write books about her life and tours the country meeting all of her fans. And she’s been on every talk show in existence discussing her separation and closing with the same saga story of “living for her kids” complete with the choke-back (“I’m sorry, I need a second”) and then the flowing tears.

Point: Jon. At least Kate is promoting the show that centers around the point of this whole thing- the children.


Jon: The double ear piercing, the graphic tees, that I-worked-an-hour-to-get-my-hair-to-look-messy hairdo – it all goes really well with the bull’s eye he has balding in the back of his head.

Kate: The backwards mullet? Really? If the entire country equates your hairstyle with road kill (porcupine? Raccoon? Take your pick!), you’d think you would get the hint. Other than her fugly haircut, Kate has come leaps and bounds from where she was ten years ago. She’s rocking a svelte new figure, always looks put together in an appropriate, stylish outfit, and rocks a flawless tanned glow.

Point: Kate. Jon looks like a douche, but that hair can’t possibly lose this one.

Romantic Life

Jon: Who isn’t Jon dating? He’s been separated for like 3 months and already has two women fighting over him (two raunchy, aspiring slutlets, BTW). He’s even added some Lohan-esque late night car shots to his book. Way to keep things classy, Jon.

Kate: Is Kate dating her bodyguard or isn’t she? Who knows? The tabloids have been buzzin’ with speculation about who Kate’s canoodling with, but Porcupine Head has yet to deny or confirm anything. Perhaps she isn’t dealing with the split as easily as Jon, perhaps she is still holding onto a shred of hope that reconciliation is in the future. Perhaps she should take off her wedding ring.

Point: Jon. What a male role model these kids have. If this keeps up, Joel, Colin and Aaden will be rocking diamond studs and bangin’ kindergarten girls by the time they reach the fourth grade.

Their “True Colors

Jon: Through all 4 seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon had the sympathy factor. “Oh poor Jon, Kate is so mean to him.” “Oh poor Jon, he’s trying his best to be a good dad and enjoy life.” Well boo-hoo, it looks like Jon has cried himself into the piercing chair one too many times and dried his tears with an endless wardrobe of tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts. Now he’s gallivanting around town with two young 20-somethings, spending wild nights out partying and shaking his chub on the deck of yachts all over the Atlantic. Looks to me like Jon has been hiding his true colors beneath a pushover, nice guy cover up all these years. Deep down? He’s really a douchebag.

Kate: We’ve been seeing Kate’s true colors since the first season of their show. She is tirelessly organized to the point of obsessive. And when the lists fall short and stressful situations arise (vacations, getting the kids to school, every other waking moment with 8 children), Kate’s nasty, controlling demeanor really shines through. She orders Jon around, has been known to strike him on occasion and shows absolutely no affection towards him whatsoever.

Point: Jon. At least Kate’s true colors, while frightening at times, get the job done. She has yet to lose a kid, miss a meal, or have anyone show up at school without underwear on.

And the Celebretard Award Goes To….Jon! He has broken down into a midlife crisis tinted by tacky-desperate-whore-colored glasses and has become a horrible role model for his children humanity. I feel confident that he will continue to uphold his title for years to come.

Project Runway Rundown: Babies Kinda Scare Me
Project Runway Rundown: Babies Kinda Scare Me
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