Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: September Edition

[Yes, I realize this month’s Cosmo breakdown is a little bit late. Sorry ’bout that. But better late than never, right? Especially with the poop Cosmo was throwing at the wall this month.]

This month, Cosmo’s Guy Report includes some of the usual brilliant suggestions from staffers, as well as expert opinion (read: random dudes interns found on the street) on everything from tatted up ladies to the little signals he’s allegedly sending us.

3 Things He Says That Seem Innocent But Aren’t…

Cosmo Says: “I still love you” translates into “I love you a lot less now that we just had this fight.” “Whatever” is no longer a fun word to abbreviate, but rather a sign that your guy is about to tune you out, and “Oh, Great” is not a demonstration of his sarcastic side, but an omen that your relationship will end.

Kari  Says: I guess my boyfriend should have broken up with me years ago, because these non-innocent quips pop up from time to time. Maybe it’s just me, but if I screw up royally and we get into a shouting match, I want nothing more than reassurance that my boyfriend still loves me. And as for “whatever”-ing, it’s usually more of a response to my daily “What should I make for dinner?” text. And the sarcasm? I def would prefer sincerity but I don’t think a few eye rolls are grounds for an impending break up…

Guypinion: Chicks With Lots of Tats

Cosmo(‘s poll guys) says: Back tattoos would screw up Jon’s “rhythm” during doggie style.  Chris, 35, would prefer no ink—however “great boobs and a great butt” might make up for it, and Matt, 27, thinks all tattoos are stupid unless they are an exact replica of your dog’s paw print.

Kari Says: Ink-free is the way to be for me, but I personally think that all my girls with body art are bangin’. They all put a lot of thought and time planning out their tattoos, and none of the guys they’ve hooked up with had ever had a problem with…distractions (sorry, Jon). Where are all the guys who think tattoos are sexy? They had to be out there somewhere, Cosmo; more diversity on the polls please!

Why You Should Check His E-Mail

Cosmo Says: It’s totes not OK to read his e-mail, but every Cosmo Girl should obviously read over his shoulder to check out his inbox maintenance. Someone with a “tidy inbox probably manages his life well,” someone with a ton of e-mail can’t get their sh*t together and someone who saves every e-mail they’ve ever gotten is sentimental.

Kari Says: Perfect! I needed a quick, creepy way to categorize my boyfriend’s personality type based on something totally random. Way better than the article I was planning on writing about “What his eyebrow shape says about his financial future.” Seriously, Cosmo? I guess I can understand the tidy inbox/ Type A  example, but someone who gets a ton of e-mail might just be really popular (or friends with too many promoters on FB). And someone who saves every e-mail they’ve ever gotten is effing weird, not sentimental.

How To Cure A Football Addict

Cosmo Says: “Whenever possible, convince him to DVR games for later.” Also, give him an ultimatum and make sure he always at least gets to watch the 4th quarter. Tell him how much you LOVE football so he knows it’s important when you tell him he can’t watch. If all else fails, threaten to go out with your crazy single ladies any given Sunday.

Kari Says: Once you can convince him to give up his pesky football habit, you’ll have a much easier time persuading him to let you keep his balls in a jar on your desk. Football can be really special to guys, and if he loves it that much, who am I to force him to give it up? I mean, homeboy will never understand my sick obsession with the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but he doesn’t demand I give up my Danielle fix. A better way to deal with a football freak is to learn the basic rules, and a few impressive stats to impress him with in casual conversation (I like to name the positions. “Left Defensive End” is my favorite one to throw around.) Then, put on his favorite team’s jersey and watch a game with him. You might actually enjoy it, and if you don’t, guys usually watch football while drinking copious amounts of beer and eating great fattening food, so you really can’t go wrong.

What do you guys think about this particular Man Manual? Did you ever feel the need to stalk your guy’s inbox or cure a football addict? Gentlemen who LIKE body art, I know you’re out there—what do you think about a girl with tats?

Celebretard Showdown: Jon vs. Kate
Celebretard Showdown: Jon vs. Kate
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