Life After College: Thanks For The Advice

If I’ve learned nothing else since graduating (I’ve learned nothing else), I have learned that everyone turns into Dear Abby when they meet an unemployed person. I’ve gotten enough advice to write at least fourteen whole blogs on this topic, but don’t worry I’ll contain myself this time.

“Look on the the Internet for Jobs” – Esther Rosenwiezencrantz, age 85
Oh really, the internet? Is that where they are? Well darn, I can stop circling help wanted ads in the newspaper and turn on that new-fangled computer that sits in the corner of my room. I guess I just turn on this internet thing and a million jobs appear.

“Go to Grad School” – 10 +People in Grad school
Actually, I’ll tell you what, that advice isn’t applicable to my situation. I want to start making money, not go to grad school for something I’m not interested in and leave in more debt… and still unemployed.

“Just go to (fill in any television network) and hand them your resume, they’ll like your go getter attitude” – Grandfather
How can I explain that NBC is not a corner store selling horse feed and chewing tobacco? Handing my resume to the security team that won’t even let me near the first round of assistants I have to go through would be even less productive in my job search than me handing my resume to the coffee cart on my corner in hopes he knows someone.

“Marry Rich” – Gold digging friend with similar aspiration
While at first this seems to be a quick fix to my lack of an income problem, it presents a whole ‘nother series of challenges. First, finding someone to marry me; second, getting stressed about trying to be cast on Real Wives of New York: Season 7; and third, having to hire a divorce lawyer in a few years when my rich husband cheats on me with a newly unemployed college grad class of ‘2013.

“Why not just write a book” – People who don’t think job = income
I get this a lot when I tell people I want to be a writer. And while in 2nd grade this seemed like the ideal job, I now know that spending a year writing a novel in a coffee shop not only means no salary or health insurance, but it also means brown teeth from sitting in a coffee shop all day drinking coffee. Also, I’ve aspired my whole life to spend my 20’s going to a job in perfectly matched J-Crew work outfits…and everyone knows writers only wear sweats all day. (Editor’s Note: True story.)

And the worst part about getting all this unsolicited advice is that I can’t respond with anything other than thank you, I’ll look into that.

So, thank you, people. I’ll look into that. Right after I get me one of them compooder thingies.

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