My Rosh Hashanah Resolutions

You know what they say about a big shofar....

Every single January 1st, I swear that I’m going to start regularly exercising and watching less TV. But somewhere around January 3rd, I always find myself back on the couch, eating kettle chips by the handful and staring slack-jawed at yet another Top Model marathon.

Of course, I’m not alone. Research shows that a full third of all New Year’s resolutions are broken during the first week of January. Luckily, I’m going to get another chance to make a fresh start tonight.

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. When the sun goes down, other Members of the Tribe and I will be drinking wine, eating apples and honey, and making a second set of promises about how we intend to act in the year 5770.

Here’s my preliminary list of Jewish New Year’s Resolutions. I’m going to keep them this year. I swear:

– I will buy all of my clothes on sale, then immediately call my mom to tell her what a good deal they were.

– Speaking of Mom—this year, I will guilt trip her instead of the other way around.

– And I will try not to get pissed when she tries to insinuate for the 1,408,225th time that I should apply to law school next year.

– I will eat fewer cheeseburgers. But I’ll also eat more grilled cheese sandwiches and hamburgers to make up the difference. Not together, obvi.

– When my dad sends an email to inform me he’s discovered that someone famous is Jewish, I will reply by saying “haha!” or “OY!” instead of rolling my eyes and ignoring it.

– I will not get wasted at my little cousin’s open-bar Bar Mitzvah.

– I will also suppress my giggles when my cousin’s voice cracks as he’s reciting his haftarah portion.

– I will actually light Hanukkah candles all eight nights of the holiday, even though we’re technically not allowed to have candles in my dorm.

– I will watch more Woody Allen movies and read more Phillip Roth novels.

– I will not skip class by claiming that I have to observe some obscure Jewish holiday (Tu B’shvat, anyone?).

– When I walk across campus, past pro-Israel protestors standing on one side of the lawn and anti-Israel protestors standing on the other side, I will bite my tongue and keep walking.

Want to jump on the new-New Year’s Resolutions bandwagon? Write your resolutions in the comments. Happy New Year!

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