Dorm-room sex. It’s undeniably tricky. Besides the tiny twin beds that limit mobility and often result in dangerous topples from the top bunk, you always have to time your romps just right, waiting for your roommate to step out for an undetermined but hopefully lengthy amount of time.
But dorm-room sex is just as challenging for the non-practicing roommate. Allow me to paint you a word mural:
You’re trekking home to your room after an excruciating night in the library. Your bed is calling your name from across campus, and it’s taking all of your energy just to make it back. Just as you are opening the door and can practically feel your blanket’s sweet embrace wrapped around your body, the familiar moans and grunts of your roommate and her ape-like boyfriend ring like fire alarms in your ears. Sexiled again.
You have two choices: Make your presence known and hope they cease and desist or opt for headphones and heavy metal. Or you can face your fate and spend the night tossing and turning on the cardboard-like couch in the lounge.
Well, if you’re a student at Tufts University, the weight of this hefty decision has been taken off your shoulders once and for all. Under a new ResLife policy, students are not allowed to engage in sexual activity while their roommates are in the room.
Personally, I think that Tufts is sticking its nose in business that should be discussed and decided between roommates themselves. Instituting a sex policy that is virtually un-enforceable seems a bit extreme. And unless the horny couple actually wants an audience to cheer them on, I think they would wait for privacy anyway, with or without the existence of a formal policy mandating it.
Common courtesy dictates that no roommate should have to be a witness to lovemaking that is not their own (unless, of course, they’re into that sort of thing), but I feel sorry for the freshman male who gets paired with a hermit roommate that never leaves the solitude of their room. Soon dorm-room sex will be replaced with bumping uglies in the bushes and humping on top of the dining hall.
So Tufts, what is more disturbing? Public displays of fornication or a slight rocking from the top bunk? Instituting this sex-policy seems like a slippery slope. Next they’ll be outlawing co-ed sleepovers and issuing chastity belts. Stay out of my sex life, ResLife, and I’ll stay out of yours.