Welcome Back to The Hills [Live-blog]

speidi new copy

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.”

10:04: Brody’s GF just walks around in a bikini? Oh wait – she’s speaking. It’s clear that her bikini body is all she has to offer.

10:05: Notice how there is no mention of how Kristin can afford a BMW or Louboutins. But what can I expect? We’re always supposed to suspend belief. I can’t wait to see what that bitch does when she arrives at this party.

10:06: Nice beard, Justin Bobby!

10:07: Everyone’s giving Kristin the stink eye. I am just waiting for SOMEONE to realize that Justin Bobby is NOT WORTH anyone’s attention.

10:08: OMG. First fight already and we’re only 8 minutes in. How did this even happen? And let’s talk about the script writers. “Oh it’s gonna be like this? It’s gonna be like this! This is what it’s gonna be like.” Um, Kristin, you’re a white girl from LAGUNA BEACH. What are you gonna do? Whip your Marc Jacobs in her face?

And Audrina, don’t start fights – we wouldn’t want someone to pop your boobs.

10:11: SAW 6? Are you serious? They’re still making those movies? I peed my pants when I saw the first one. True story.

10:14: “How can one person turn all of our lives up-side-down?” Uh, Steph, have you met your brother?

10:15: OMG. It’s real. That cowboy hat is REALLY HAPPENING.

10:16: Um, it’s weird enough that Kristin was invited to this little birthday party, but how the hell did Stacie end up there? And I’m totally agreeing with Lo’s thoughts on Kristin:  “I just don’t want to get on her bad side.” Is it weird that so many people have said the exact same thing about me?

10:17: I HATE KRISTIN. She’s pretending to like bball just to hang out with the boys by herself. BIGGEST PET PEEVE. I guarantee this is the first game she’s watched and she is confused because there are no goal posts or helmets.

10:19: This juvenile flirting between Kristin and JB is making me want to barf. I think I’d rather watch Speidi do that fake kissy thing for the paparazzi than watch Dirty McBeard and Slutty McSkank snuggle up together.

10:24: Spencer and Heidi are house shopping. For a porno pad, apparently. And Spencer went against Heidi AGAIN and put a deposit on a house before even talking to her. Good to see marriage has matured him. “It’s my way or the boring way. Na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”

10:26: Did Steph really expect Kristin to say hi to her after she got all up in her shiz at the other party? Are all girls this delusional? Am I that delusional?

10:28: Kristin: “I had second thoughts about coming here.” Kristin says it’s because of Audrina, but I think it’s because of JB’s greasy hair. She only saw him in a hat before and now he’s hat free…and it’s not pretty.

10:29: “I have the best bed.” She’s so smooth, this Kristin Cavallari. And OMG, did Justin Bobby just smile? It’s so…scary.

And….end scene.

Well, I have to say, MTV did a good job casting Kristin in Lauren’s place. This girl definitely brings the bitch and we may even get some more physical fights a la Spencer’s fist brawl last season. So far Jayde hates her, Audrina hates her, Stephanie hates her, and I’m sure Lo hates her but she’s just afraid to admit it.

I don’t know about you, but I’m hooked. Not that I wasn’t before. I’ve been watching since Kristin was making kissy faces with Stephen Coletti in the back of his white Toyota pick-up and I’m not ready to stop now. As much as it pains me to say this, I can’t wait for the rest of the season. Especially if Spencer keeps donning that ridiculous hat.

I’ll be recappin the action every Wednesday morning, so come back every week to dish it over with me.

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