10 Things We Should Ban Instead Of Books

Having just “celebrated” banned books week in America, I started thinking about the importance of reading, the beauty of stories and how much books enrich all of our lives. And most of my thoughts came back to one single theme:


Banning books? Seriously? First Obama gets attacked from those crazy moms who think he’s out to brainwash children by giving them talks on the importance of education and now reading is bad for children, too?

The whole thing is just absurd. Have people even read the books they’re trying to ban? How can a story about a pooh named Winnie who likes to eat honey and play in the woods with his other anthropomorphic friends possibly be bad? It seems like a book that is deemed “good” and “appropriate” these days is a book that will not inform your child of the existence of sex, racism, violence, homosexuality, the devil, bad language, and any other concept that will cause children to ask you awkward questions. The whole banned books thing will probably cause my AP Literature class to be renamed AP Literature That Will Morally Damage Your Soul.

Does this mean we should ban Pokemon as well, since the little animals “evolve,” which therefore enforces the idea of evolution and is therefore anti-Christian and therefore is Satanic? Winnie the Pooh may be the poster child for the obesity epidemic, his friend Eeyore for depression, and Kanga for single moms everywhere, but that doesn’t mean our younger siblings can’t read about them. I happen to like Tigger, even if he does have ADHD. And although Harry Potter may have “witchcraft and wizardry” and whatnot, it’s still one of the most significant contributions to literature in our lives, and as such, should be available to anyone who wants to read it.

So let’s take the attention and money away from banning books and focus on some more important things that should be eradicated from this planet. Because in 2009 there are so many things worse than kids in capes flying around on broomsticks or finding a lion in your closet.

1) Twilight movies

We can send a man into space but Hollywood can’t make a decent vampire movie. The actors all have a deer-in-the-headlights look on screen and attempt to fly around like people in improperly rigged harnesses. There’s something oddly wrong with that. The only thing that could have made it worse was if they cast Megan Fox, and that’s only because she makes every movie ten times worse than it could’ve been, due to her acting skills, or lack thereof.

2) Crocs

Plastic rubber clogs with holes in them, with the loudest, most obnoxious colors imaginable. Need we say more?

3) Bad Alliteration

Amusing to a certain extent, but gets repetitive after every English major tries to sound like James Ellroy and just ends up sounding like an awful author addicted to annoying alliterations. Again.

4) Livestrong bracelet knockoffs

One yellow cancer bracelet is enough. Do we really need people sprouting an armful of colored rubber with every imagined cause stamped across them? Be a little more original, please. Oh, and true story from a friend:

“Weight Watchers sent me a bracelet after I signed up for a meeting. It was white, with some rainbow stripes on the side. But why would I wear a Weight Watchers bracelet? Is it not obvious enough that I need to lose weight? Do I also need to tag myself with a FAT GUY BRACELET?”

5) Gaming language

Otherwise known as nerdspeak. Common terms include noob, newb, noobsicle, ftw, gg, gg no re, 1337, QQ, lawlz, nub, pwned, pwnage, or even harpwnage (the act of being pwned really hard) should not, under any circumstance, be said in ordinary life.

6) Creepy Facebook ads

Someone please tell me how Facebook has managed to eerily know everything about us and assume what we want. “Discount airfare to China!” What? Just because I’m Asian?

7) A few select man trends

Including: rattails, ponytails, monster trucks, hairy backs, man-purses, chains, a gazillion tattoos, mandals, mandiators, and transparent shirts.

8) Starving Hollywood celebrities

Rachel Zoe, Renee Zellweger, Tori Spelling, Victoria Beckham, Amy Winehouse, and Ashlee Simpson all need to eat a few burgers before they’re fit for the public. Young people these days have enough to worry about besides trying to look like a skeleton. Save that look for Halloween, please.

9) Fat people falling Youtube videos

Guilty pleasure number one, but really should be banned to relieve my soul from residing too much in an immoral state of being. I really shouldn’t watch Scarlet taking a tumble a million times and laugh hysterically every time I see it; it’s bad for me as a conscientious human being, I’m pretty certain.

10) Special athletes that promote the stereotype

As a current student at Duke and avid sports player and fan, I know for fact that you can be incredibly smart and be amazing at your sport. So it worries me when people like this one fail at representing athletes in a more flattering light. Like, um, really.

Anything else you think we should ban?

Wardrobe Wish List: Banana Republic Flannel Military Jacket
Wardrobe Wish List: Banana Republic Flannel Military Jacket
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