It’s Time for Rehab, Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Word on the street is that they’re trying to make you go to rehab and you say no, no, no. While Amy Winehouse turned that jam into a monster hit, do you really want it to be the theme song to your E! True Hollywood Story? I have to be brutally honest with you, Linds; you’re not looking good. We all see that damaged, over-processed hair and all that chain smoking as if your life depends on it.

Remember when you used to look like this? Now, you’ll be lucky if you don’t crack that orange, leathery face of yours.

And here’s an FYI: just because pills are “prescribed” doesn’t mean you can down them like Tic-Tacs. Have we learned nothing from the loss of Heath Ledger last year? Granted Heath was a sexier blond than you will ever strive to be, you don’t have to drown your sorrows in a water bottle filled with vodka. Yes, we’ve caught on to you.

So what’s next for you, LiLo? We are all waiting with bated breath. Do you honestly want to say you hit your peak as a Mean Girl? That your last stab at acting not only didn’t make it to theaters, but went straight to ABC Family!?

Can’t you see that you’ve hit rock bottom? I thought it was blatantly obvious when you accepted the role in I Know Who Killed Me. Perhaps you were trying to relive the twin glory that you received from The Parent Trap, but playing the part of a strip club amputee and her equally mutilated twin sister was not your finest hour. And from I’ve seen of your pole-dancing skills, I’d urge you not to quit your day job. Oh wait – you’ve already done that.

Your father has told us that you’re not acting right now because you can’t. “Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that’s grown because of the prescription drugs.” Yeah, that’s right. You heard the man. He’s telling the world you’ve got fungus. Herpes we expected, but fungus?  Are you going to let him get away with that or are you gonna put down the pills, dust off those leggings and show the world what you’ve got?

I won’t lie to you Lindsay; sometimes I too see the beauty in dying young like Marilyn Monroe. Who doesn’t want to be glamorous, even in death? But I think you’re taking it a little too far. If you won’t go back to rehab for me, and you won’t do it for your dad, at least do it for Samantha.

She would be lost and fame-less without you.

Thanks, bitch.

(On behalf of all of the Mean Girls fans out there.)

Campus Couture: Poppin’, Lockin’ Alex
Campus Couture: Poppin’, Lockin’ Alex
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