Being back under your parents’ roof for Thanksgiving comes with a cornucopia of blessings, such as mom doing your laundry, shopping sprees and overeating until you actually consider braving the Black Friday crowds just to purchase a pair of jeans with an elastic waistband. However, being back under mom and dad’s watchful eye can be treacherous, as well.
This isn’t dorm life anymore. You can’t order Dominos at 2 a.m. and feed it to your late-night booty call in bed. That wasn’t OK in high school, and, believe me, it still won’t be appreciated by your parentals now. You may be a big, bad college student, but there are still some house rules that you must abide by.
That being said, here are some guidelines for navigating life at home for the Thanksgiving season:
Do enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with your entire extended family and celebrate with a glass of wine.
Don’t crush cans at the dinner table like you’re at a frat party. Because when asked what you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving, you’re great-aunt Susie won’t be laughing when you say “the morning after pill.”
Do have a few friends over for a Thanksgiving Eve pregame. There is nothing that my mom loves more than having my friends over to recap our lives over wine and snacks before she drives us to our night’s destination.
Don’t invite your entire Facebook friends list and set up a beer pong tournament on the kitchen table. Getting the family dog trashed may seem like a cool idea now, but the moment your parent’s feel it’s safe to come out of hiding in their bedroom, you’ll be getting an earful.
Do go out with friends and relive your high school glory days at a good ol’ fashioned house party.
Don’t attempt to use your fake I.D. at the local bar. There’s simply no good explanation a group of kids from various different states spanning the continental U.S. have gathered together to spend Thanksgiving in a small town in Jersey. It’s just not believable.
Do continue the search for a mate. High school boys do a lot of growing up in college; you never know what old crush or summer fling will need rekindling.
Don’t get drunk and sneak them into the basement. Experience has taught me that being awoken to breakfast-in-bed by mommy can turn quite ugly when a naked boy joins the party.
Do use protection.
Don’t ask your dad for it. He may agree, but it will most likely be a shotgun he brings out, not a condom.
You’ve been warned.