Welcome to the Biggest Bar Night of the Year

Drink up, little lady. It's gonna be a long and awkward night.

Thanksgiving is a-comin’, ladies! Time for some turkey, stuffing (my absolute favorite treat on earth) and reuniting with all your old home friends. Oh, and hopefully a major shopping spree with mom. Is there any other reason to come home?

For those of you lucky ladies who are finally 21 (or those of you with a really good fake), Thanksgiving also means taking part in the biggest bar night of the year! I remember my first Wednesday-Before-Thanksgiving bar experience…at least until I blacked out due to the extreme levels of awkwardness and puked in my parents’ house.

Try explaining that one to dad when he finds you passed out next to the toilet the following morning.

Anyways, being that it is the biggest bar night of the year, there are so many things to know! And, being that I have been doing it for a little while now, I feel I am the perfect person to enlighten you on what to expect and how to deal.

What to Expect: Running into people you never liked and still don’t like.

How to Deal: I tend to hightail it to the bar, but if you don’t want to end up looking up at your dad from the tile floor the next morning, perhaps playing nice is a good idea. You know; pretend to care what they have to say, tell them how good they look and politely bow out when you (pretend to) see a friend across the room.

What to Expect: Saying the same things over (and over and over) again.

How to Deal: I recommend printing a t-shirt that includes the following information: what school you go to, what (if any) sorority you are in, and an acknowledgment to the fact that you gained/lost weight. When you realize that these are the topics discussed all freaking night long you will thank me.

What to Expect: Awkwardly running into people you haven’t called back since you have been so busy doin’ your thang at school.

How to Deal: Is avoidance an option? If so, I recommend the duck and cover. If this is not an option (because ducking under the nearest table would cause quite a scene/you opted to wear a dress) turning the blame on the other person is always best. Approach them with intention and ask them why they don’t return your calls, explain that you have been tirelessly trying to reach them and it is so crazy that you can’t seem to connect. Make them feel guilty. Works like a charm.

What to Expect: The realization that a DD is necessary.

How to Deal: Make sure you don’t have a car available to you. Blame your parents, your siblings, or a dead battery; anything so you don’t have to be the sober one in the sea of awkward interactions. Trust me when I say that it is nearly impossible to get through this night without booze.

What to Expect: The realization that there is literally no late night food…especially in the form of delivery.

How to Deal: Those suburbs just don’t cater to the hungry-after-2am crowd. Pray for some Totino’s Pizza Rolls in mom’s freezer. Or some delicious leftovers. Do not – under any circumstances – dig into the pumpkin pie reserved for the following day. It is not worth that look of disappointment on mom’s face when she has nothing to serve for dessert.

Now you know and – as G.I. Joe once said – knowing is half the battle. The other half, of course, is finding the perfect outfit.

Thanksgiving Break Dos and Don’ts
Thanksgiving Break Dos and Don’ts
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