By now everyone has heard about the infamous couple who somehow managed to crash a party at the White House. Michaele and Tareq Salahi gained entry to the White House state dinner last week without being on the list, rubbing shoulders with Joe Biden, Katie Couric and Obama himself. Everyone wants to know who these people are and what they were thinking.
What I want to know is who the hell was the security guy and how can I get him hired in my city?
I think the White House needs to make some cuts, let this guy go and perhaps hire some security guards who have “able to read guestlists” on their resume. (I mean, come on, what’s next – will Bin Laden just saunter into the Oval Office??) Then this guy will be free to work a number of venues, (where he has no way of sacrificing our national security) and help me out big time.
The Liquor Store Near Campus
Now that I’m 21, I no longer sweat buckets buying a bottle of wine, but for all of my poor under-age college friends who still do, this guy would be a big help. He obviously doesn’t want to offend anyone by say, turning them away. We could all march in there anxiety free, pick up a couple cases of beer and confidently claim we’re 25 year old Susan from Canada.
An Overpriced New Years Eve Venue
This year NYE is really stressing me out. All the cool places want to charge me an arm and a leg to party all night long, sending me straight into the new year with a big fat negative in my bank account. But this White House guy can really help me out. If I shmooze him and claim that I did in fact purchase a $300 ticket but absent-mindedly left it home, chances are he will believe me and let me pass. Being able to party at a venue I can’t afford without giving up eating for a month? Priceless.
The Security Desk on Campus
Forget your student ID? No problem! You look like a student here so it must be the truth. Oh, that clanking coming from your backpack is a bunch of glass Coke bottles? No need to double check; he knows how good Coke is from a bottle. How much easier would all of our lives be if the grumpy stickler who grills you every time you pass was replaced by a generous, rule-bending softy? Hey, if he’s good enough for El Presidente, he’s good enough for me.
The Campus Library
It’s hard enough to fit all my books and notes in my bag, but as I head to the library for some last minute studying I have to make room for all my snacks and create a safe pocket to hide my Starbucks latte, then shimmy by the security guard before he hears the potato chips crunching. But if the White House bouncer worked here, he would understand that I need the nourishment, even if outside food and drink are against the rules. Wait, who am I kidding? This guy is so oblivious he wouldn’t even smell the Chipotle wafting from my pocket. He would wish me a good day and send me through, coffee and all. If he’s allowing strangers to mingle with our president, I doubt he’d even notice my orange Cheetoh fingers as I swipe my ID and mosey on by.
Hey, it’s no good in the Whitehouse, but negligence does have benefits. Where else could you guys really use this bouncer’s leniency around campus?