No offense to you, James Cameron. I love what you did with Titanic. It was a cinematic masterpiece that will remain close to my heart. But I do not think I can say the same for your new movie, Avatar. It may be the culmination of your life’s work, but honestly, the blue animated people look plain stupid. And it baffles me that every time the trailer comes on, every male in a 10-foot radius immediately goes from 6 to midnight. December 18th can’t come soon enough for them, and I just don’t get it.
The mind of a man is one of life’s greatest mysteries. And the weird obsessions of those men… well, I’ll just never understand:
Fantasy Sports: I’ve never seen more passion in a man’s eyes as when he is watching his fantasy football team take the lead. Perhaps it makes watching football more fun, but does it really get any better than drinking beers, eating junk food and reclining in a La-Z-Boy for an entire day? One time I joined a celebrity fantasy league in hopes to understand the obsession. But even I, the celeb stalker and supporter of all things muscle-y that I am, found it to be just mundane.
Strippers: I’ll admit I’ve been to a strip club once or twice in my life, and I just don’t get the appeal. Other than the totally awesome acrobatics, which only ever occur at the truly classy establishments, it’s just nudity. Rubbing up against you. In public. That you can’t touch. What’s the point?
And while we’re on the subject, what’s the fascination with fake boobs? Have you ever touched a pair? Did you like the cement feel underneath your fingertips? Gross.
The Ability to Grow Facial Hair: I never know the appropriate response to give when a guy tells me that it only took him one week to grow the mess of a beard he is shamelessly walking around town with. High-five? Just because you can grow one doesn’t mean you should go out looking like Chewbacca. I wish men would obsess over being well-groomed instead of growing a large patch of hair above their lip.
Anal Sex: Let’s cut the crap, here. Seriously. Because the minute you get pooped on, you’re not going to obsess over spelunking in that region ever again. Why put yourself through that? The fantasy is better than the reality, so can we just leave it at that?
Lesbians: They aren’t interested in you. You will never be invited to join in a threesome. And unless you secretly have a vagina, you don’t stand a chance.