Drinking On The Job: Fail

Would you want this guy taking you 30,000 feet in the air?

Drinking on the job seems like such an enticing idea. Make the work day a little more bearable, ya know? I know I’d be a hell of a lot friendlier to those jerks taking out books at the campus library if I had a little Ketel One in me. Sure, I’d be making 412 runs to the bathroom, but everything is more fun when you’re drunk…and re-shelving books could sure use a little boost of fun.

But after hearing countless stories of drunken pilots getting stopped moments before taking flight, I realized that there are some careers that are simply not suitable for boozing. For example:

Your Pilot: Does the phrase “do not operate heavy machinery” mean nothing to you, man!? Your flight home for winter break may soon become a terror ride as your highly intoxicated pilot does figure eights in the sky… and then right into the ground.

Your Gyno: At first thought, a drunk gyno doesn’t seem so bad. I mean it’s basically the same thing as drunk foreplay on a Saturday night, right? Wrong. One wrong move and those exploratory tools can become a torture device… in the wrong hole. I shudder to think.

Your Hairdresser: Never drink and drive. And never drink and cut. The combination of alcohol and scissors is terrifying, especially so close to my face. Chances are you’re going to leave there looking like this. And that’s not gonna grow out pretty, I’ll tell you that much.

Your Guidance Counselor: The whole point of having a guidance counselor is so that you can go out and drink on the weekends while she stays in and figures out your life for you. Your future is not bright when your guidance counselor using your grad school application to wipe up her barf.

And finally…

The girl who gives you a Brazilian: Something tells me you’re going to get a wild design waxed on your lady parts. But that’s only if she doesn’t overheat the wax and give you some nasty third degree burns first. You think a burnt tongue is painful? Try burned…lips.

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