Now that all my Christmas shopping is done, I’ve realized that there are a few people I forgot about this year. They may not be my closest family or friends, but they have made 2009 a memorable year for me. And for that, they deserve the world.
So, despite the fact that their assistants and private security will probably send these gifts away before they have the chance to open and enjoy them, here is my list of gifts I’ll be picking up for my favorite Hollywood A (and D) Listers.
Katie Holmes: A Patagonia jacket and some running shoes. The company is eco-friendly, you know. And, well, you never know when Katie might need to go running. In the middle of the night. In the middle of the winter. From a large compound in Telluride.
Brad Pitt: Condoms. And lots of them. I don’t care how much he might love getting it on with his hot wife kids, we all know what happens to families with too many. And eight is already too many. Plus, Brad is so much sexier on a motorcycle than when he’s toting the kids around in a giant Escalade. And a nasty beard.
Jennifer Aniston: We know this Hollywood starlet hasn’t had the best luck with men, so we thought we’d give her something a little more dependable. Now she can have it all: the long-term cuddle buddy she’s been looking for, without all of that tabloid heartache.
Tiger Woods: A lifetime pass The Bunny Ranch, the legal brothel in Nevada. Homeboy’s gonna need to get his rocks off somewhere now that he’s effed his way through the entire population of Florida.
Speidi: A vacation. Forever. In Sub-Saharan Africa. What can I say – I’m a giver.
Jon Gosselin: It’s hard to look cool in a giant van when you’re carting around your eight adorable Asian kids. Which is why Jon totally needs some Ed Hardy floor mats and a steering wheel cover. And if I have any money left over, maybe I’ll throw in a custom paint job, too. Anything to help Jonny Boy find true love again.