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Dear Tuffy Luv,
This is such a typical question but one that pops up all the time, so here goes:
So this summer, I worked with a guy. Drooled over his good looks (along with all my other co workers) but didn’t really get to know him all that well until the very last week, where we met up for coffee. We talked nonstop for 3 hours and I found myself having a better time than expected! I go to a school in another city, so we’ve been texting occasionally for about…4 months now. We see each other every time I come home, pretty much once a month and always have lots to catch up on. I, to be totally honest, don’t know how I feel about him. On one hand, we have good chemistry and he’s smart, funny and I love spending time with him. On the other, he’s 5 years older (enough to feel a little bit of an age gap), not so much into the concept of love and relationships, and just seems to be in another league than me. He always picks me up from home when we hang out, and has paid for dinner but we haven’t ventured onto the topic of dating at all.
I’m a huge wuss so I almost always never make the first move, but I feel like maybe I should this time. The fear of rejection or me not actually being into him makes our current friendship seem more valuable, but I kind of feel like I owe it to myself to explore every feeling fully. It’ll be another month before I see him again, and I don’t want to slip into the friend zone without deciding that’s what I want. Am I kidding myself if I think that maybe he’s not making a move because he wants to wait until I’m back for the summer? What do you think?
Dear Mixed Feelings,
I don’t think his friendship is actually worth enough that you should risk missing out on dating him. I mean, you’ve only been talking to him for about 4 months–how important is his friendship, really? I so rarely say this, but, in this case, I think it’s more important to find out if you guys work as a couple than to try to remain bff4ever.
So I say, go for it!! You can do it, girl! You seem like a really cool, gutsy person. I don’t think you’re gonna have a problem.
Here are my only concerns:
(1) I admit that when you said he’s five years older, Aunt Tuffy got a little nervous. You don’t say how old you are, but I’m gonna guess about 19 or 20. That puts him in his mid-20s, which is a REALLY different place in life. You guys might not be looking for the same thing. BUT! I think that’s something you can discuss later, after you’ve decided that you click (if you do, in fact, click).
And, more importantly,
(2) You said he’s “not so much into the concept of love and relationships.” THAT may be a problem. What does that mean? It sounds like something he may have told you. That could mean that he (a) wants to play the field and is warning you not to expect anything serious, or (b) he’s trying to preemptively let you down easy. Tuffy hates to be a downer, but these are real possibilities.
Still, I really do think you should go for it. I think the fact that you guys have so much to talk about is a good sign–isn’t that what relationships are fundamentally about? I’d just hate to see you not pursue this if it might be a really good thing.
Good luck, girl!! Shoot ol’ Tuffy an email and let her know how it goes!
Hearts & Skulls,