Question for Tuffs?! Email her at [email protected] and by gum get that shiz adDRESSED!!!
Dear Tuffy Luv,
Okay so here’s my problem. I met this really nice guy at the school I just transferred to. I thought things weren’t going to pass a certain point because, one, he’s just a freshman and I’m a junior, and he’s also my little sister’s best friend from high school.
Things were great at first because we have so much in common. I was starting to get really close to him and would spend every day with him and began to develop feelings for him. I invited him out with me and another close friend (we’ll call him Joe) and things were a little weird because my new friend isn’t the most social person.
I have to step back a second because I left out one big piece of information. Both of my friends are bi. Joe came out to me early on in the Fall. The new friend came out to be in late September.
I told my new friend that Joe was bi and he began a friendship with him that is turning into a serious relationship. I was really taken back when I found out and didn’t quite know what to do so I avoided the new friend for a few days while I thought everything through. I figured there’s nothing much to do but be happy for them even though I felt a twinge of betrayal. And I don’t know why, because I know I have no claim to the guy.
I think I was mostly taken back because Joe knew how I felt about my new friend. I thought I could deal with the relationship (mostly because I’m happy my new friend is happy) but it seems all me and Joe do is fight.
They both try not to leave me out and invite me everywhere they go, but I can’t help but feel left out. Especially when there’s some making out going on (and there’s a lot). I usually try to tune them out or simply leave the room.
How can I stop from feeling I have a claim to this guy and make things better with Joe? I’m not quite sure how to make everyone happy and include myself. I’ve gotten to the point where I decline invites because I feel bad about how I feel but end up feeling alone while they’re out.
This is actually the first time I’ve asked for advice because their relationship is still on some serious DL.
Dear Doubly Alone,
Short and sweet (like Tuff): Stop hanging out with them.
Now I don’t mean stop being friends with these guys. You should ABSOLUTELY be friends with them. Girl, you’ve got to get over this idea that somehow these guys have wronged you by becoming romantically entwined. Repeat after me: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Get over it.
But in the meantime, yeah, obviously it’s hurting you and you can’t help that. So all’s I’m saying is, stop hanging out with them together. I actually think it’s really sweet that they’re inviting you out with them to try to make you feel included. See? They really do love you.
But they’re also trying to form a real relationship with each other. Stop making it more difficult and start being happy for them. The best way to do this until you’re ACTUALLY over it is to hang out with them one-on-one and not go on their dates with them. Der. Stop being there when they’re making out and you won’t have to watch it.
In the meantime, yeah, I think you should mend your friendship with the Unliked Cousin. It sounds like the only problem between you two is that you’re feeling jealous. So it’s up to you to sit down with this guy and say everything you’re feeling about the whole situation. Yeah, it’ll suck. But it’ll put everything out into the open, and afterward you guys can move on with your lives, friendship intact. Just don’t talk about it in an attacking way–make sure everything you say is honest and that nothing you say is meant specifically to hurt him.
Sounds like you actually have some good friends here. Hope you’re able to get past your jealousy so you can be a good friend back.
Hearts & Skulls,