There are some things you learn in life (and in textbooks) that you never forget.
We went to the moon in 1969.
Plants live by converting sunlight into energy through the process of photosynthesis.
Cows have four stomachs.
All of those things are important to know if you want to pass that middle school test, but when it comes to the real stuff – the life lessons – textbooks don’t hold a candle to TV. Yes, I’m serious.
TV – even the crappiest of the crappy reality shows – has taught me some invaluable lessons about life and the world. Things you can’t get from a 2 hour Intro to Biology lecture or a 4-credit History of English course. Below are a few of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my nights spent on the couch, chips and salsa in hand.
One Tree Hill taught me: Never get married at 16, never shoot your brother, and never hire a hot nanny.
The Office taught me: Sometimes our superiors are inferior and we just have to deal with it.
One Big Happy Family taught me: It’s possible to be fat and happy, as long as you don’t mind breaking a chair on national television.
Teen Mom taught me: Use condoms. DUH.
The OC taught me: To give Jewish boys a chance.
Lost taught me: When you encounter a hatch, creepy cabin, or force field, do not go inside.
Friday Night Lights taught me: Explosions In The Sky always sets the mood… for football games, and for, uh, other things as well.
The Bachelor taught me: Pretty girls are crazy.
Desperate Housewives taught me: No one is off limits; not even your plumber, ex-husband, or neighbor.
How I Met Your Mother taught me: Awesome X Awesome = Awesome Squared.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson taught me: Things always sound dirtier when you say them in a British accent. “Would you like a banana?” (See??)
Late Show with David Letterman taught me: Never sleep with someone you work with… unless you’re a late night talk show host.
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien taught me: NBC sucks.
Real World taught me: Being a stereotype will actually get you far in life. If being on a reality show is considered “far.”
Friends taught me: “We were on a break” is not a valid excuse for anything.
Thank you, cable television, for guiding me through life. I don’t know where I’d be without you. And after watching Lost, I don’t even want to think about it.