Deep Thoughts from The Jersey Shore

Tonight is the season finale of the Jersey Shore.

Let’s all take a moment of silence.

In preparation for this tragic ending I am beginning to practice the coping skills I learned from my therapist to use when dealing with a break-up.  Because this is a break-up. A really painful one.

You see my relationship with The Jersey Shore began like any other meaningful relationship.  I saw a preview and was interested.  I didn’t know exactly what it would offer me, but it seemed attractive enough for me to find out.  I committed to the first episode and was anxious to see how things would go, just like any first date.  By the end…I was hooked.

I am the first to admit my own psychosis…I became a stage five clinger.  I stalked The Jersey Shore by watching YouTube clips, looking for trailers, anything I could.  Our relationship blossomed as I became more and more intrigued with each character and I felt as if I actually lived in the house and could call the Duck Phone my own.  I found myself referring to the characters and constantly contributing my input to their lives.  “Did you SEE that girl The Situation brought home? Even he could do better than that!”

Although I knew this relationship was toxic (to my brain, at least), I wasn’t willing to let go.  And at the end of the day The Jersey Shore did offer me all of the wonderful things you would expect to get out of a relationship:  I was entertained, always had a good laugh, and most importantly, it always made me feel good about myself.  My flaws, however – that my skin is not orange and that my hair does not add 3 inches to my height – have caused The Jersey Shore to lose interest in me.  Tonight will be our last date.  And I am devastated.

But all is not lost.

The show may be going on hiatus until next year, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hold onto and cherish the memories. So below, just a few of my favorite moments with my first true love, The Jersey Shore.

“That’s f**ked up. Those lobsters are alive when you kill them. I’m a vet technician, I save animals, not kill them.” – Snooki

“I mean this situation is going to be indescribable. You can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.” – The Situation

“I didn’t invite over any zoo creatures… They probably just smelled the food in the house” – The Situation

“I was born and raised a Guido. It’s a lifestyle. It’s about representing- family, Italian, tanning, gel. I got a f*cking tanning bed in my place. That’s how serious I am about being a guido.” – Pauly D

“They’re pretty cool, ya know, there some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes & jump the the jacuzzi. Then there are some girls that are respectful, that you have to just actually treat like girls, human beings. – Vinny

“I’m not trashy, unless I drink too much.” – Snooki

“I’m not pissed off that they put pickles under my bed as a joke, but I’m pissed off that Mike and Pauly wasted two pickles.”– Snooki

“Me and Sam actually leave around like 4 o’clock, we’ve been here since 12 o’clock, 5 hours is like enough.” – Ronnie

“In a weird Snookers world, like me and Snookers would make the best, like, little Guidos and Guidettes, little poofs and blow-outs on our little kids.” – Pauly D

“Everybody loves me; babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougers. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.” – The Situation

“I left the club early because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend, and I felt like eating ham and drinkin’ water. Ham.” – Jwoww

The Two-Faced Bottomless Purse
The Two-Faced Bottomless Purse
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