Overheard: I Was One of Those Ships

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Middle-aged lady on the phone, at a bus stop.)

Lady: They fed me. It was like … an orgy. And it was like a lighthouse, guiding all the ships through the night. I was one of those ships.

(High schoolers, playing cards at a coffee shop.)

Girl 1: Okay. What’s on that one?

Guy: Tampons.

Girl 2: What? Why the hell would pirates want tampons?

Guy: To go with the weasels.

(Loud cheering, outside a window.)

Guys: Vinny … P! Vinny… P! VINNY… P! YEAH!

Other guy: Yeah! Who the f— is Vinny P!

(Girl, talking to her friends at a party.)

Girl 1: I can’t believe Jersey Shore is so popular.

Girl 2: Oh my god, are you kidding? That show makes me believe in god.

(Girl, texting in class.)

Girl (checks phone): Oh my god, I hate my boyfriend.

Other girl: What’d he send you?

Girl: “Quarter pounder with large fry.”

(Girl, singing along to karaoke in the student union.)

Girl: Gettin’ pretty hungry, gotta go to that McDonalds. Sh*ttin’ in my Yankees cap like no one but a Yankee can. … In NEW YORK!

(Two girls, in the movie store.)

Girl 1: I thought Batman wasn’t allowed to kill anyone.

Girl 2: He doesn’t. He just caresses them gently, in his strong arms, until they go to sleep.

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Uh, just so you know, that pee in the bed last night was yours, not mine…. Yeah I’m sure…. No as soon as I heard that coming out I grabbed my pants and ran out…. Yeah, I’ll need to come get my bra later.

(Group of guys, eating dinner in a dining hall.)

Guy 1: Oh, ew. What is that?

Guy 2: I’m covered in stink wax.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: I farted.

(Two guys, checking out at a grocery store late on a Saturday night.)

Cashier: Just juice, huh? Seems like everyone needs juice tonight.

Guy: Yeah. That’s it.

Cashier: Got lots of vitamins. Good for you. Not sure why ping-pong’s always so popular on weekends, though.

(Two guys, watching a computer monitor in an office.)

Guy 1: Well, that’s not that weird. I mean, my mom would probably do that if she had a camera.

Guy 2: No, no, wait. Just wait.

Guy 1: Oh. Oh, wow. Okay.

(Loud girl, loud guy, at a party.)

Girl: They call me Funny Erika!

Guy: I don’t get it.

Girl: ‘Cause I make people laugh.

Guy: Huh. Okay. Waiting.

Girl: Sorry, let’s talk after I get a few more shots in me.

Lessons Learned From My Trip To Cougar Town
Lessons Learned From My Trip To Cougar Town
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